JULLLLLOOOVV.

finally we ended school, im so happy about it. in the end school just annoyed me so much, the last days were so pointless but well. now i just enjoy my holiday. yesterday me and my wifyyyy went to väla and ate yummy food at ikea. me like very much! afterwards she came to mine and we had the funniest conversation with the probably most retard person i know, according to him im either on my period or just pmsing :D hahahaha wow we laughed so badly. we watched a funny movie and had very nice conversation, as always. soon i am heading to väla to buy the last christmas presents for my lovely friends aaand i am going to meet my dearest blacki then :D so seems like i will have a great day.

what is this?

why the fuck are tears in my eyes? what the hell is wrong with me, i dont understand anything anymore. i hate you, for acting around me like you do, i really do. why is it so fun for some people to see me like that, i dont get it.. you are such a player. i want the past to be the past, i dont want it to happen again. the only thing that happened to me last year was getting hurt. it seems to be so much fun for you guys..

. . .

okay im just writing everything here since i dont know who to talk to anymore. i cant handle it anymore, i thought everything was perfect, i mean i was so damn happy, especially because of hockey and my friends. hockey is still awesome, last weekend i went up to gothenborg to train with the national team and it was loads of fun. i love my team, the girls are all so kind and always there for me. we are like a little family and since most of them can speak german it makes me feel a lot better. of course i am always happy for havin my friends, they are truely amazing, but during the last time its just weird. i dont feel as accepted anymore, and it also feels like some of my friends keep on letting me hanging. it could be that its just me who thinks. it hurts to see how people forget about you, people that you know since your little or very good friends, kinda lose their interest in you.i get in more and more fights with friends but i dont know what i did wrote. the feeling of losing friends really hurts, but it happened to me so many times lately. and i gave myself so much shit for it. i know i shouldnt but i did. i thought about it so many times, and i have had a big headache since two weeks. its horrible. and my past is a bitch -.- i cant get over it, its so hard. i have tried it for sucha long time but it just doesnt more. i think i need some new people in my life and i need to get rid of others but its so hard. i hate it.. but there is nothing to do fo rme i guess, i cant more then try. i know i will fail it anyways. thinkin of my past all the time makes sad and just very confused. i cant talk to anyone about it because i would just annoy them big time. i dont know what to do anymore. i am a retard for not letting my past be my past, its hard to explain what i mean. my stupid headache doesnt stop -.- but well i guess i just gotta live with that. handle it on my own..somehow. but i dont understand myself anymore, why does my past bother me so much? my cant it be a finished chapter in my life, a chapter that i cant open anymore, one that isnt forgotten but one that i dont care anymore, like just another part of my life..

its my biiiiirthdaaaay :D

i know i havent written anything in ages and it will change again but i just didnt really have time. well just to shortly talk about the time i havent posted anything.. apart from studying, tests and homework i had to do it was pretty amazing. i had a hockey match with my lovely girls, we won everythign and i am so incredibly proud of us, since we are the best out of our group. and the coach from the other team came up to me and told me i was the best from everyone. that was exactly what i needed and finally gave me more self.confidence. i love hockey so much. at the weekend i am going to gothenborg again because we have a camp with the national team there, i am sooo looking forward to it. then i spent a lot of time with my friends. god, i am so thankful to have them. they mean so much to me. i had great girls and talk nigths with them which always made me happy. i went to town quite a few times and had a good time there. i made yummy cookies with my beautiful girlyy and an amazing chocolate cake with my lovee and so on.. so the past time was great. of course i had my days where i really didnt feel good, but who doesnt have those days. i wont talk more about it since its already forgotten :P
today i am in sucha good mood, probably cuz it is my birthdaaaay and everyone seems so happy today. everyone is very kind towards me. me like very much :D i just love havin birthday, its always interesting in different ways. i get so cute presents and people say happy birthday in various ways, even people from germany which makes me happpyy. :D well i already got everything that i wanted, uggs, earings clothes, money and my friends around me, i really do not need more hihi. but its also interesting to see who ignores me or who actually forgot it. now i am just sitting in school, kinda bored and waiting for the school day to end since i am going to fika with my mummy and then my lovely girls are coming over and we are having yummy dinner, it is going to be awesome.
wow i cant believe that i am seventeen now :o just one more year and i am eighteen, freakin amazing. being seventeen is nothing special but at least i am closing to eighteen now haha.

life is like a rollercoster.

it feels like i am slipping apart from most of my friends. i dont know why, maybe because i spent so much time in hockey at least at the weekends. my friends go out and have fun while i am playing hockey. Of course i want them to have fun and stuff but if they dont even ask if i wanna come with them it just feels weird. I hate it, i dont blame them, i blame myself. I am just not close to them anymore, i feel ignored but thats just the way it is. Maybe i just ignore them with hockey. I dont know. I was so freaking happy all the time and thn i went to school and everything just fucked up.. I just want to play hockey and be happy!

hockey weekend.

im getting happier and happier after every hockey weekend, i didnt think that was possible. on friday me and the rest of the national team u21 met and went to gothenborg to play against the guys nationalteam. friday it was chill, we just talked a lot and joke around. we were already so nervous and couldnt way for the next day. saturday we went up really early, ate and went to victoriastation in lund then. that is where our gym was in. we walkd there through the snow which felt really good. it is so beautiful outside and soon is christmas time, i just love it. anyways we watch the swedish guys national team u21 against the danish guys national team u21. wow, it was very awesome to watch, i wish i could play like they do. and we couldnt believe that we play against them as well. other teams from germany, sweden and danmark were also playing, so cute. one girl she was 6 and didnt know what to do while playing. it was adoreable! and it reminded me on the time i was in this age and played hockey. well later on we played against danmark and even though we lost we played very very well. in the evening we had another game against a danish mixed-team and i scored my first goal with the national teaaaam u21 then it was awesome. our first goal at the turnament. awesome.awesome.awesome. afterwards we went back to the school we slept in. we ate and later our coaches came and talked to us for ages haha. they talked about scotland, where the european championship for the u21 teams next january is. they still havent told us who comes with them to scotland because we are too many but i am pretty sure i am with. wow, i really cant believe that this happened. i mean it has always been my dream as i said so many times before. wow, just wow. however, on sunday we played twice againat the swedish guys national team u21 and of course we lost again, i mean guys are soo much better but we were playing such a good game and we can really be proud of our selves. at least i am proud of myself. my number is 13 just like the old number of my favorite hockey player, so cool. uh and i love my team. the girls are all so nice. i was scared since my swedish isnt good but we talked, english, german and swedish mixed. and like 5 girls in my team can speak german, so what do i want more? haha. i am so looking forward to the next time i see all of them in 3 weeks. yaaay.

hockey is my life.

"There are some people who dont have what it takes to play field hockey-the polite term for this people are-soccer players"

dancing around and waiting until my coach calls me so i can meet the rest of my team. we are going to lund tonight and i am reli looking forward to it. its gonna be so much fun but freaking cold cause we have to sleep in a freaking school. however tomorrow and sunday we have matches against the u21 guys from sweden and u21 guys from denmark, hopefully there are some sexy ones. haha uh yeah, i made it into the swedish national team u21, i am happier than everyone else, really it made my whole year! my dream has always been to be in the national team, so i am almost there. i am so excited for the weekend. well i will see how it is going to be, i am sure its going to be embarrasing since the guys are so much better than we are. haha the only thing i worry about is my swedish. i would love to talk to my team but it feels like my swedish is too bad so it would be embarrasing and speaking english to them just feels weird. its time to improve my swedish i guess. god, i wish i wouldnt be that stupid and just try talking but well i will see how that is going to be. I am still really really looking forward to it and i love getting to know knew people so such turnaments are the best opportunities. i will also see the people from last weekend again which is superduper cool haha.

harry potter

ellie and me are soon going to the movies and i am so excitied. we gonna watch haaaaaarry pooooootter 7 and everyone says it is really awesome! im looking forward to it. we just need broomsticks and big black heads and we are prepared to go :D i wonder if i will understand the movie, knowing me i am too stupid and i havent seen the 6th movie but well im still excited, yummy popcorn is waiting for us. i am going to write later if i liked it or not, but i am sure i will since i liked all the other movies. i am a freak haha.
uh i wish i could fly or conjure, you know how awesome that would be. just hot and nice guys, no players, a lot more field hockey clubs in sweden, no drama, school would be easy, i would just have awesome clothes. wow it would be so perfect. and if i wanna go somewhere were it is warm i could just fly there and get back in the evening or if i wanna party somewhere else.

happy birthday. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ´DEAR KARRELL
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUU! <3

you should be happy that i didnt sing for you in real life
since you know how horrible i sing! but just imagine someone singing it.

today is my loves birthday hihi. im really happy that i could make her smile with my little present.

you are really awesome and i am happy to have you in my life. doesnt matter if you are also 16 now, you will always be my little cute black person. i hope you have a great day even though you have to spent most of it in school. please dont change and stay the way you are.

As you said you can legally have sex now and drink, so we really have to go to germany and go into bars sweetie. aand we have to party here as well. :D

loads of birthday hugs and kisses

i love you.

sunday night.

 i love you sweeties.

i dont know why but i still havent written anything about my evening yesterday. it was the perfect ending after this great weekend. i went out for dinner with karrell and carolin. we were at haket eating really yummy things and talking about stuff. it was a lot of fun, i think we all three enjoyed it. but next time we have to take pictures girls:D later on we went to subway since karrell wanted to eat cookies and then to pistachia because we didnt want to go home and dont have a life! we met jeff and tomas and steal their candy even though we were already really full. they were throwing candy at us such a waaaste! well after a bit caro had to leave and karrell and me went really slowly walking to knutan while talking. seriously i cant say it enough, i really love talking to her. the guys were following us and complaining about how slow we walked. it was fun haha. <3

hockey. gothenborg. chill. :D

gothenborg <3

my weekend was more than awesome. finally i played matches against other clubs again.

i really though we would loose, but we won everything. i am so freakin happy.

it felt so good playing for the team and winning. i love it.

after the first successful day we spent a great afternoon at liseberg. it looked so beautiful.

there were candles and different kinds of christmas music everywhere.

in the night we chilled and talked a lot to the guys from lund and bjärred. fun fun fun.

it was really interesting talkin to them and what they said. but not more about that.

next day we won the second match against the "best" team. we played great.

wow it was successful. i love hockey and i love my team. :)

99 questions and answers about me.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. - here is no book around

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch? - A pillow
3. Before you started this survey, what were you doing? - I just got home from practise and ate nutella.

4. What is the last thing you watched on TV? -some german show

5. Without looking, guess what time it is- 20.15

6. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? - 20.15 that was easy since a movie starts now

7. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? - the television

8. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? - well i have been out since this morning, first school and then hockey practise

9. Did you dream last night? - yeah i did.

10. Do you remember your dreams? - most of the time i do remember my dreams

11. When did you last laugh? - in school during french
12. Do you remember why / at what? - i laughed with jesper about some french shit

13. What is on the walls of the room you are in? - pictures my mum and grandpa drew

14. Seen anything weird lately? - uh a lot of weird stuff

15. What do you think of this quiz? - it is better than being bored

16. What is the last film you saw? - i am watching a german movie called: "was das herz begehrt" right now

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?  - america or australia

18. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? - a really nice house somewhere where its warm next to the ocean with a hockey field in a really big garden.

19. Tell me something about you that most people don't know. - most people dont know about the guys in my life :P

20. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? - its impossible but give the african children water and food

21. Do you like to dance? - yeah.

22. Would you ever consider living abroad? - yeah i would, why not?

23. Who made the last incoming call on your phone? - my daddy haha

24. Last time you swam in a pool? - a few weeks ago with vicky <3

25. Type of music you like most? - r&b, pop etc

26. Type of music you dislike most? - hard rock etc

27. Are you listening to music right now? - no i am watchin tv

28. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? - i would not really change anything, i love my house

29. What was the last thing you bought? - candy with blankii

30. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? - yeah sounds like so much fun

31. Do you have a garden? - yup of course i have

32. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? - i wanna sleep longer

33. Who sent the last text message you received? - natalya :)

34. How many tattoos do you have? - none
35. If you don't have any, have you ever thought of getting one? - yes actually i have

36. What did you do for your last birthday? - i honestly cant remember, think school and then went out for dinner with my parents

37. Who was the last person you ate dinner with? - my mum

38. Is the glass half empty or half full? - half full

39. What's the farthest-away place you've been? - here from sweden - spain i guess

40.  If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be? - i always wanted to meet robbie willams

41. Do you believe in love at first sight? - no i dont

42. Think fast, what do you like right now? - my friends and field hockey

43. What time do you get up? - its different every day

44. Is there anything going on this weekend? - i am going to gothenborg to play hockey and there might be a party

45. How are you feeling right now? - a bit sick but i will be fine by tomorrow

46. What do you think about the most? - friends and hockey

47. If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people? - why would i wait to tell people?

48. Who would you tell first? - my best friends

49. What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema? - due date

50. Do you sing in the shower? - hihi thats my secret

51. What do you do most when you are bored? - eaaaaaat 

52. What did you want to be when you grew up? - business woman and national hockey player

53. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be? - something with business

54. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? - america

55. What is your favorite time of the day? - niiiighhhtt

56. Where did you grow up? - in germany

57. How far away from your birthplace do you live now? - i dont know exactly but far away

58. Are you a morning person or a night owl? - night owl for sure :D

59. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? - no i cant

60. What is your best childhood memory? - there are so many, i love my childhood.

61. Any new and exciting things that you would like to share? - there are always new and exciting things but no need to share it.

62. What is most important in life? - my best friends

63. What Inspires You? - my family, my friends and field hockey

64. Tell me about your best friend - i love her, she is always there for me and listens to me all the time. she is really pretty. i love hanging out with her, shes such a funny and awesome person. i just love her.

65. Favorite entertainer? - hahah two of my friends, they always make me laugh

66. Favorite song? - there are a lot i like

67. What were your life changing moments? - movement to sweden

68. What is the dumbest thing you have ever done? - i cant remember ;)

69. Have you used drugs? - of course, no just kidding, never

70. Do you like to shop? - yeahhh, which girl doesnt?

71. Best way to relax? - taking a hot bath and listening to chill music

72. Do you want children/more children? - yup but not now, later :)

73. Are you romantic? - yeah i am.

74. Favorite midnight snack? - choooocolate.

75. Do you exercise? - yeah otherwise i would be so fat haha

76.  Did you ever see your parents making love? - no and im happy about it

77. What is one food you will never give up?- meatballs haha

78. Favorite thing to spend money on? - food and booze

79. What is the weirdest thing about you? - I AM WEIRD :D

80. Best vacation? - summer 2009 -> sweden + italy with krissi

81. Worse vacation? - last christmas in portugal -> it was raining all the time

82. If you could do anything what would it be? - look into guys head, so that id know what they think

83. Ever had a massage? - yeaaa, i love getting massages

84. What sporting event/concert/entertainment would you buy tickets to regardless of price? - take that concert hih imy mum might buy some

85. Can't stand being around people who_________? - are screaming around just for attention

86. Crowds or small groups? - small groups,  more cosy

87. How old do you want to live to? - 100 would be so awesome

88. Loose your sight or hearing? - hearing

89. Ever had a crush on a member of the same sex? - nope.

90. Most annoying habit? - running after guys -.-

91. Sexiest parts of a member of the opposite sex? - stomach, ass, back

92. Major turn offs?- bad smelling guys

93. Bodypainting? - i would love to do that once

94. Piercings? - i want to have a navel piercing

95. Plastic surgery-would you/have you? - no never ever

96. Computer geek? - not at all ;p

97. Play an instrument? - no but i love listening to someone playing guitar

98. Been in a band? - no and never will be

99. Most embarrassing moment? - uhh too many to write :D

boring stuff? yeah pretty much..

i think this day is worth writing down. it happened quite a lot today actually. i woke up and took a long nice warm shower and ate breakfast. then i went to school and everyone just starred at me because i was wearing shorts, it was quite funny. everyone asked me if i was freazing and told me i was crazy, but hey i am normal :D anyways we were sitting in business, chilling and talking and suddenly a loud sound telling us that there is a fire someone in the building and we have to leave appeared, it was great. so we were waiting outside freazing our ass off, then we had to go into the aula listening to a guy talking about how we should behave. his english was hilarious, so the only thing we did was making fun of his english. after that we still had 30 min of business left but we didnt really do anything. lunch was niceee since we ate panncakes which tasted really good actually. afterwards handi and i had our tok presentation on abortion, it went really good. staffan really liked it so everything is fine. im actually proud of us. science was killing me today, as always but then all of a sudden there was a second fire alarm. god that saved my day. someone from 10th grade, if i remember right, hold a burning match right in front of an alarm thingy. so we just had science for like 10 min since he couldnt be bothered contuning the lesson.. the break was just eeepic. i had so much fun, really. :D i dont know, its hard to write what happened since it wont be as epic as it was. basically i took someones phone and he was trying to get it, so we were running around. i gave the phoen to someone else without him noticing it and yeah running around like superman was epic. just the whole situation was so random. feeling like a child in a way and i dont know what else to say, there is just way too much to say. oh yeah the banana has to be said, "i want your banana", "no you broke his banana", wow epic moment.. french was cosy hihi. pistachia and candy was waiting for karrell and me. it was fun talking to her about all the news, i love our talks. however, later on we went to an innebandy thing, which was quite entertaining. free food ftw. the last third was the funniest by far, haha. i had such an epic converstation with natalya and karrell. it made my day. i ate way too much but who cares.. uhh and i was told that i have fat legs and no ass, really nice haha. i got a ride home and now im sitting in front of the tv and laptop like a nerd :D well i am getting tired so i am about to go to bed, knowing me i wont sleep until like 1 hour or something. lets see what is going to happen in my dreams tonight, it has been really weird and confusing the last days, i have no clue why.

surprised? no, not really..

it feels like i keep on repeating myself when talking about drama but i find it hilarious how people create new drama day by day. drama for no reason but i am really not surprised. not that i care a lot but it gets annoying how people try to get so much attention with telling shit about others, pretending to feel like shit etc. most people blame their friends for their own problems or just make them feel like shit to make them selves feel better, it is really sad. i mean come on, deal with your own problems, really it doesnt help to blame your friends or anything. well there will be more drama and i guess it will get very interesting on friday but not more to this topic. i really got nothing more to say right now..

life can be unfair sometimes.

n i thought about the whole giving and getting thing. I mean i give people a lot more then i get back from them. doesnt matter if they are friends or my best friends i always do everything to make them happy, go always to them, always ask them if they want to meet up its never the other way around. i dont blame anyone, it might be my own fault, i dont know how but i really dont wanna blame anyone. i am just tired of always going up to people and ask if they wanna meet, sure it is nice for them, see that i really care about them and want it to work but think of me. i am the one who feels like an idiot then, because it feels they they dont care about me in the same way. it can be that i just get the whole situation wrong or maybe i just expect too much i dont know. I am always nice towards guys and all they do is fuck me over, every single guy..

"you will never know until you try."

listening to really good music and just thinking about life, yeah thats what i am doing right now and i enjoy it :P it is really not easy to be happy if everyone else around me is depressed. I dont know why everyone is like that, but i guess a lot of people just want to get attention. really, it annoyes me, not that i really care but i cannot fully ignore it. Seriously there is so much drama its unbelievable. people who try to make other people feel bad because they are depressed and dont want to see their friends happy or they just blame them. it is so freakin retarded. i dont get who you can blame your friends for your own problems, make them feel bad and shit. its your own business and not your friends'. be strong and deal with your own problems. sure your friends are there to help you but dont expect them to solve them for you. however, i will still be happy somehow and tonight i have practise, im really looking forward to it. i really cannot think about anything else, i guess i annoy some people with it but they have to live with that. it sounds so bitchy but hockey is such a big part in my life. for a lot of girls guys are the biggest part in their life; they talk about it all the time and nothing else.. right now hockey is basically my life, so obviously i talk about it a lot..but of course my friends are really important to me!

hockey 4 life.

happy happy happy, i think that would describe me the best right now im sitting in the car from gothenborg back to helsingborg. i had a really improtant hockey camp this weekend, since now they decide who was good enough for the national team u21. saturday we had around 5 hours practise, with a break in between. afterwards we went to the hotel, showered and ate. we wanted to go to one of the girls house and watch a movie but i felt like shit, so i stayed in the hotel. really, i felt like puking, my stomach and head hurt like hell. i was so scared that i wouldnt be able to play the next day, so i decided to sleep very early. i drank a hot chocolate before going to bed; probably that made me feel a lot better ;p im addicted to hot chocolate, i drink it like everyday hihi. after sleeping that early i felt better the next morning but still not really fit, not even after breakfast. as soon as i came to practise i felt fine again. hockey is the only thing that ALWAYS makes me happy. we had 3 hours practise and then a talk to our coaches. its went quite well, i had so much fun. wow i realized how much i missed playing hockey with a good team. i love love love hockey! what i love about it is that i can be myself. i dont need to put make up on. i dont need to look good because there is no one who jugdes me, everyone is focused on the sport. and i love the fact that it is a team sport, so i always get to know other people and i always learn something new.. we learn from each other. we accept each other doesnt matter how different we are. if i play hockey i forget everything around me, it is like another world for me.. anyways now they have to decide who is good enough and i alread now their desicion but its inofficial so i cant tell anyone if i actually made it or if i have to wait to next year.. i dont need to tell everyone because i dont need people to feel sorry for me in the case i didnt make it. however now i am on the way back as said before, my body hurts, especially my back but it was worth it. tonight im going to town and eat with my family and afterwards im meeting up with blacki. i think a good, look girl talk is needed. im really lokking forward to it. i love talking to this girl, it makes me feel a lot better and she always listens to me and tries to help me just as i do it too. i love her! dont have any problems right now, scool is going good, hockey makes me happy and i have awesome friends. what do i want more? nothing. i dont know why but im looking forward to next week.

i cannot live without music.

dancing around in my room and just being really really happy. yeah thats what i like. this song makes me day: turn the lights off- kato feat jon .. uhhhhh baby turn the lights off. me like a lot. singing along and enjoying my life. wow it feels incredible good. you should try it, just  forget about everything, all your problems and sing as loud as you can. it helps you so much and it make you happy, well at least me.

just some uninteresting shit.

i was walking down the road to my house, watching at the ocean and the skyline of demark. it is so cold outside but it was a great view. today school was alright, french with jesper and kriss was quite fun actually even though i am really bed at french. during lunch and tok i went to town with ellie. drinkin hot chocolate and talkin about stuff is always awesome, i enjoyed it and it was so much better then being in school. after school i went to town as usual. i ate a mc flurry magnum classic which really made my day.. now i am thinking of going to väla; i thought they had open yesterday but its tonight and most stors have 20 % rabatt. i cannot be bothered to move but i wanna buy some new shoes, cause carolin broke mine hihi. great and funny memory though. and i just ate a brezel from "das backhaus" and had to think of her.

“There's no excuse to be bored. Sad, yes. Angry, yes. Depressed, yes. Crazy, yes. But there's no excuse for boredom, ever.”

I am so bored, i have been looking through the most random things ever today. it way to cold to just go to the beach, sit there and think of everything, so i have to do something, but i am getting bored of just sitting here being bored and doing nothing. I thought väla would change my boredom but when we got there it was closed, no sale thingy, so we had to drive back, wow it was so pointless, still better than being on facebook all the time though. tomorrow is going to be boring as hell in school and i really cannot be bothered going. the only thing i am looking forward to is french and town after school with jeppie. the weekend is coming closer and closer, i really cannot wait. i love hockey, it makes me so happy.
i just wanna dance around in underwear now, dont ask me why. it just feels so nice if nobody can see me and i can just be myself. nobody jugdes the way i dance and the way my body looks like .. "if you judge people, you have no time to love them." i think people judge other people too fast by their behavior without thinking why this person behavios in this way. to be honest i did the same since my parents taught me a lot when i grew up. i know how to behave towards other teenagers, parents and teachers, it is so normal to say "thanks" and "bye" but some people never learnt that so they dont know what to say and do.. now i know that it was a wrong thing to do; it was just too normal for me because of the way i grew up.
i try to see the potential in every person and not the bad part. of course everyone has a negative side, everyone did something bad, doesnt matter if it has something to do with girls, guys, school or something else. i realized that every single person is beautiful just in completely different ways, think of it, if  you see someone you might not like that much. think about their potential and i am sure you will find something. i can tell you that i did it and it was amazing how i actually found something positive and awesome in every person.
well now that i got my life kinda sorted out, i do my best to help my friends. but its not always easy, really. it seems like everyone has so many problems and its impossible to solve them.. its a lot to take but i want them to feel better cause i really cant see my friends sad, it makes me sad to. but whats up with everyone? i dont understand it. sure some people really have problems but i think some just want a lot of attention.. well hopefully everything will work out. :)

"personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open."

it feels like some people do not want to see me happy or something. they try to keep me down, want drama to be in my life, want to see me sad with my problems or i dont know. i hate how people keep on creating drama for no reason. my school is full of drama, it is horrible and i get very tired of how fake people are but you know what, i will be happy no matter what. life is just sweet right now.
today math was epic. emil, nati and me joked around so much and were just kinda immature, but i mean everyone has those moments sometimes. it made my day. believe it or not, math lesson actually made my day, well at least the hours i spent in school. we laughed a lot, it was crazy. i guessed we annoyed everyone else but it has to be like that. haha
after school i went to espresso house with my dearest lovi. we were drinkin hot drinks and eating yummy cookies and muffins and of course talked a lot. there is so much going on, its unbelieveable but very interesting. i am just waiting for the next big drama to happen..
now i am sitting at home, watching tv, talking to some friends and being all bored and cold. i am thinking of going to väla tonight since it is open until 11 and a lot of things are for sale, but i will see if i can be bothered to move. wow i sound lazy. it is just to cold outside.
i cant wait until it is winter though. i am waiting for snow and christmas time. i love christmas time so much. everything is so calmed and it seems like it is the only time when everyone likes each other and nobody actually talks shit.

you are way prettier when you smile.

finally my wifyyy came back from china. i am so ahppy that she is back. she made me so happy again and really made my day. all of a sudden my depression is gone and i feel good like i havent in a longer time. wow she was only away for a bit more then a week but i missed her so much! i dont know why but today i realised how great life can be. i had so much fun in school with everyone, was laughing a lot. i really enjoyed it and im looking forward to tomorrow. and i like myself so much more when i am happy, obviously! right now, i just see the positive things in life. it make me happy to think about my great friends, all the awesome time i have spent with them and i am so looking forward to the weekend.. its funny, i realised how many people i talked to today, when i was happy compared to the times when i was depressed. its truely amazing. the next time is going to be great, i dont know why but my feeling says that. everything works out for me, now i know who my real friends are and i have lots of fun with them. i am talking to my best guy friend from germany right now, which makes me happy. hockey is so much fun, practise was great and at the next weekend i am going to play a lot of hockey and this weekend will finally decide if i can get into the national team or not. school is surprisingly going quite good, im doing fine in every subject except science, but tthat will work sooner or later.. i dont care about guys & love & all of this shit, so life is all good.

i cant take it anymore.

wow i have not felt like that in a longer time. the past days i just ate and ate and ate without stoping, kinda as a therapie or something. always when something makes me sad i eat, i hate this habit. i really do hate it. i feel fat. i know i am not fat but i feel i have some kilos too much. i could be skinnier and i want to but it seems like i cant, because i have no fuckin discipline. to be happy i have to loose more thn just a kilo but i dont know how. i try not to eat candy and all this unhealthy stuff but it doesnt work. i just wanna puke, puke everything out, i know it sounds disgusting but i want everything out of my stomache. my stomache hurts but i am still hungry so i still need to eat.. shitty things keep on happening and make me depressed, so i eat a lot. i hate it. i hate it. i fuckin hate it! i am going to try not to eat anything but fruits the next days, it is sick i guess but there is no other way right now. i am disgussed of myself. nobody understands me, everyone just thinks i am crazy but i do feel fat. overloaded with food but it feels like i just cant eat less. its weird. i am weird. i dont get it. when i am not with you and i am not happy i eat. i never ate when i was with you, never, just because i was happy. but thats over.. however, i am going to practise now and run a lot, to feel better about myself. but also because i love this sport. its like a drug for me. i am totally different when i play field hockey, it really makes me happy!

drama.

my weekend was surprisingly good.. well even tho we were so excited on friday we failed. we were waiting one hour to get into retro, and then they told us it costs money so we didnt go. we tried to find bars but it was impossible. so we went back to sweden and sat at mcd for a while. in the middle of the night, freja, handi, max and me went to my places. i was not in a good mood, not really depressed but something was wrong with me. i felt so lost, so alone, so unloved.. i dont know. right now my life is kinda messed up. i just wanted to sleep and forget everything what i heard during this night. well when we got at my place, we talked. we talked about everything. it was fun. we played "i have never.." and made max drink a lot :P on saturday almost everyone went to a party and the ones who were not invited like me went to town. it was so nice of this person but i dont even care anymore. shes a bitch and a fake friend. she talked so much shit about me and i think its kinda funny how so many peopel coem up to me and tell me what this person says about me. well i seriously had so much fun during this night. i met up with karrell, caro, sara and nik, we went to pistachia. we laughed a lot and i think we all enjoyed it. afterwards karrell went to my house and we had some deep girl talks. this girl is truely amazing! she listened to me a lot and it felt good. today i went to sofiero with my family.. it was dark and cold but there were candles on the way and i was drinkin hot chocolate, it was very very cosy. i loved it but it really made me want to have a boyfriend. i feel so alone even though my friends are always there for me. i think i just need someone on my side. i think i would feel a lot better and would get a lot mroe self-confident. i seriously have no self-confidence. someone once said im cool from the outside but im totally different from the inside. i mean everyone think im so strong and can handle everything, but i cant. im weak..and i fuckin hate it. something need to change in my life but i cant force it, it just needs time.

questions over questions.

why do i feel that bad or weird when i see you not with you & why do i feel so great when i am with you, just with you and nobody else? it is so weird.. why do i get so jealous for no reason and if i do exactly the same as you do with other guys? why does it feel so different when i am around you? i dont wanna feel like this cause i am just going to get hurt.. just as it happened before. i hate being confused like that and not knowing what to do, but i guess that is nothing new. i keep fuckin things up and i hate myself for it. why do you have to be in my life right now? and especially: why do i care so fuckin much about it when i really shouldnt? i dont wanna be depressed but when i hear you talking about how you like those different girls and how you had sex with them its just weird. i cant think of another word.. i dont get how guys are so "cold", it is hard to explain. it seems like they can forget about someone so easily and just move on. i feel stupid not being able to move on about a fuckin guy, i hate myself for that too. i make my life very hard and not enjoyable for myself since i cant get over people. at least not easily.. all the things that happened in the past come back and everything just happens again, if that makes sence. in such situations i would love to be a guy, not showing any feelings and being totally cool with what happens around me and even not caring what the person does that i like. life could be so much better but i make it hard for myself as i said before. i try my best not to care at all, not to show feelings, not to get pissed, not to beg for things, not to ask questions etc but i guess i fail at most of these things.. i am just waiting to get hurt and fucked over again!

if you would know..

i had a great day today, first talking to my bestest friend, handi, about everything. we had a lot of fun talking especially about my last party but im not going to say more about it :P then we met up with freja and also talked. wow we laughed a lot, we laughed at how pathetic and how fake people are. it is unbelievable.. funny how people have parties and just invite their clostest friends, prefere inviting their ex but not the friends who helped them trough the hard time after they broke up. it is way to funny. and if you would now HAHA.. there are not many people i really dont like but you are one of them! however, nothing more about it because i really cannot be bothered writing that much now. well after that i had a nice time at home and now i am getting ready with handi and freja to go to retro. i am so looking forward to it!

lalala.

i havent really written anything the past few days, i dont know why. i guess i just didnt have the time for it. monday i was just cleaning the house. tuesday i met my lovely friend vicky, did my english with her and really enjoyed swimming with her. it was great. we watched paranormal activity which was really scary but fun because we got so easily scared.. wednesday i went fika with lovi and it just felt so good talking to her about everything. today i went to the movies with gaya, we watched due date. dude, it is sucha funny movie. we laughed so much haha. so nothing really interesting happened.
now everyone is depressed, people talking about "fake bitches", other people are pissed. i really dont know whats going on anymore and i stop caring. after my party i realized how many are disrespectful as i said before but especially with a few i cant be bothered anymore.. i hate how people cant take the truth but say how they hate people who are fake and talking shit towards them. so if im honest i get shit and they get bitchy. its stupid but whatever.. i will just stick to my real friends. i prefere just havin a few friends than having ton of friends, but all of them or at least most of them are fake..

wow.

i dont know where to start. i am just really really pissed. and i have never been in such a bad mood, its unbelievable. i was so excited for my party yesterday, i was just talkin about it all the time and when it was actually happening i was everything else than happy.. i was completely pissed and really couldnt enjoy the evening. it was cute how my "real" friends tried to make me happy and have fun while they were taking care of everything, i appreciate it a lot but i am so disappointed in all the other people. most people dont know when they have to stop drinking whichc really pisses me off, i mean sure it happens to everyone but not at every single party.
actually th party started out nice, just a few girl and one guy were there and we were playing drinkin games. we laughed enough and no one got drunk. we had our fun. after everyone got there it started getting annoying since people came drunk and were screaming all the time. they prefered sitting outside all night and smoke than dancing which is honestly just sad.
well i am happy that especially two friends helped me to put away all the puke and stuff. so that i didnt have to do it alone.. dude it was disgusting. i think so many people have never puke before. we put them to bed and just talked a bit. but it was not possible to chill for long since they kept on puking.
nobody could talk to me anymore due to the fact that i told them to shut up and leave me and i have never been like this before so around four i just went to bed since i had no energy. i tried to sleep but it was fuckin impossible because people wont just the fuck up. i was so angry like never before. i told them so many times but they didnt listen. they just dont have any fuckin respect. its unbelievable and for me those people are "dead", meaning i dont give a fuck about them anymore!
i hate how people just left without even saying goodbye and thank you. i mean come one how fuckin hard is it to say thank you? i organzied a party and saved their halloween, they did a lot of shit, kinda destroyed a table and shit and obviously i was the one who cleaned and took care of it. i mean sure it is sort of my job as the host of the party, but it seems that it is so self-evident for them they i do it, so natrual that they dont even have to say thank you. i think it is just low of these people and i wont invited them again!
well in the end i can just they i am really disappointed in a lot of people and i wont have another party. i wanted to have a birthday party but no thank you i wont at least not in my house, maybe a rent something but im not sure yet.

i would love to understand myself. really, i dont get it. i show guys way too many emotions and always fuck it up between us but i cant show any emotions to my brother. i mean it isa completely different story but i should be able to show more emotion to my bro. i almost made him cry today without wanting it but obviously i have to change something. i have to try to show him more 'feelings' and the guys a lot less. i dont know, but people tell me to be more 'cold' to guys and i will try that but knowing me it wont work.. i hate it. well we will see what happens tonight at the party. i am so excited and really looking forward to it. i have the feeling it will change something in my life but i have no clue what.

its party time.

it is unbelievable how im exicted and i am just waiting for tomorrow to come. it is hopefully going to be awesome. everyone is looking foward to it, which is a big plus. i just hope there wont be too much drama and that people are not mad because i cant invited everyone, obviously. god, i am excited! yesterday i bought my costume and läsk + food and of course decoration so i am all prepared. music and speakers are also fixed. but i am just a bit worried about my costume, that it looks to sluty but if it does i am pretty sure i wont be the only one, so it is all fine.. well what i am going to be is a surprise. some people already told me what they are going to be and their ideas were really good. i cant wait to see everyone tomorrow with different costumes and hopefully all in a good mood! oh wow, i cant stop talkin and thinking about it :o now i need to clean up my room  and the rest of the house for the party, i really cant be bothered but i guess it is worth it..

brownies & parties.

watching tv with my mummy and just finished all the school work i had to do, god i am proud of myself that i actually do all my work nowadays, i still hate homework. well i ate so many brownies today so that i really feel fat now and i wish i would not have eaten them.. brownies with a lot of chocolate are eeeevil! well knowing me i will eat more brownies tomorrow, because they are really delicious. and i mean i hate my body anyways so there is nothing to do about it and i wont start talkin about all my problems with my body because it is endless..
today was a great day, since i decided yesterday that im not going to germany my mummy asked if i want to have a halloween party and as if i would say no to this. so now i invited all the awesome people and i am really looking forward it. i have no clue what i sgoing to happen, but i am sure some drama will happen. i will just see.. i know some girls want to make out with some guys, so this will be very interesting and funny. god, i just love houseparties so much. the only thing i hate about those parties is inviting people. i mean i cant invited everyone but so many people expect me to invite them just because we talked once or twice or im nice to them in school..
well i woke up with a really good mood today and i really enjoyed being around people today. i think i wasnt smiling that much in a long time and it felt great. i also had a very nice fika with my dearest friend.. i am actually looking forward to school, i mean it is the last day before the break and i just have 2 hours, so its chilly-willy :P

writing this blog is really addicting, i thought i would stop writing stuff after a few days or something. but i found out i even get cas for that, it is so awesome. haha.

winterfeeling.

i am sitting at home in warm and cosy colthes in a warm room. i just found delicious cookies from last christmas while i was baking. well i brought back old memorize since back this time i made one for a guy who actually meant something to me and his first letter was on there. nevertheless those cookies still tasted very good and woke up the winter/ christmas feeling in me. i love it. i am making brownies with a lot of chocolate on top for the fun of it and for my friends to see them hopefully smiling when they eat them tomorrow, but you never know if they are any good with my clumsiness.. to be honest i love my brownies, they are really delicious and im quite sure the others do like them too, otherwise it is not my problem :D. i like saying people being happy because me. now i am just waiting for december and the snow to come. this time truely make me happy. i love spending cosy times with my family and friends, looking outside in a world full of snow (like the background picture of my blog) and talking about everything. i think to have an absolute great christmas i need a guy but right now i honestly do not really care about that fact. everyone is so happy during this time and make presents for each other. for me it is not important to recieve presents i prefere making my friends a little surprise with something. thinking of this time is just awesome and makes me really want to have christmas or at least my birthday now..

true friendship.

"best friends are people who know everything about you and still love you"

i would just like to thank my clostest friends for everything what they have done for me. i love you a lot and i really dont know how to thank you, really. the fact that you are always there for me and try to help me as much as possible just makes me very happy and i appreciate it.

sometimes i dont know how you can bother with me and all my problems and i know i can be a really annoying person, i am sorry for that :D

with the time floating by i have even slipped apart from my close friends in germany because it is just not possible to keep contact to everyone. i have been through a hard time realizing that those friends were so disapointed at me and started talkin behind my back when i told them what happened here in sweden. i dont get it, i mean everyone changes with time and they just dont know me anymore. i mean come on everyone loses its virginity sooner or later and no one just judge someone just because this one has more experience and likes being with guys..

well here my friends stay by my side all the time, doesnt matter what happens, they are there for me. i went through hard times and they always build me up again and told me not to give up. i think the people i am talking about right now know it, like caro, blacki, vitti, aroha & tya but i would love to thank especially handi, lovi and nati. i love you. i honestly do not how to thank you for everything, im so glad to have you.

by the way, dont wonder about the names, the people now who i mean, those are just special nicknames, from different memories.

i just dont know.

i believed i am a good friend. i am always there for my friends, always listen to them and they know they can come to me whenever they need me.. they can call me in the middle of the night, they can sleep at my place if they need and so on.. obviously i am not perfect, nobody is and everyone makes mistakes. i think making mistakes is important for life because we all learn from them. i honestly do not regret anything in my life but sometimes i still wish i could decide and live through some things/situations again.. i have more secrets than everyone thinks i do  and almost nobody knows about it. i guess people dont know me as good as they think they do. it hurts to see "friends" and the feeling that i did something wrong to those friends, that i did something behind their back what they dont know and never find out. i am mad at myself for doing this even though i enjoyed this time. now i hate myself for it.. i am probably one of the most honest people that my friends will ever have, but some people just cannot take the truth and i really dont know how the whole thing could happen..i am sorry. i hate it if people say "it just happened", for me its not an explanation for things and it pisses me off to hear it but i have nothing better to say than it really just happened. i cannot really remember how it happened. i am just sorry. but then again i am not fuckin perfect and i will never be.. i am actually sitting here with tears in my eyes and dont know what to do anymore. sure secrets are awesome to have, at least i think so but i have way to many which make my life really not easier. i have to me even more honest with myself and stop living with that many secrets. i am scared to get hurt but that just the way it is and i just caanot take it any longer. i mean being with people for whom i have secrets, it doesnt feel right anymore. it just gets too much..

changes.

im sitting in tok and im really bored, as always. i really cannot be bothered listening to the teacher or doing any work today.. nothing special happens here, well of course there is drama everyday, but i learnt not to care anymore because i just get so tired of people talking shit about each other etc.. a friend of mine said i looked like bella from twilight today. but i think she is ugly so that was a nice "compliment" :D my whole body hurts because of the weekend and of the football match. actually the mtach yesterday was a lot of fun but we lost, not that i expected something else. :P those lund girls are bitches but i dont even start complaining..
yesterday was also one of those days where i was thinking of germany, old times and old friends. it is really sad to realize how just a few friends are left out of so many i used to have when i was still living in germany and it hurts.. in the beginning when i moved i had so much contact to all the people in germany and i dont know what happened but nowadays i have hardly contact to anyone and i am even scared of going to germany on vacation..i cannot really describe the way i feel, but it is really weird. the first month after i moved i missed germany so much but now, after a year i dont miss it at all. obviously i miss the few friends i still have and hockey but thats it. im tired of people who pretend they are my friends and talk so much shit about me.. im also tired of people from germany telling me i changed so much and i seem to be like such a bitch nowadays, even though they have not seen me in ages. and it hurts to hear those things.. i hate those bitchy looks when i am back in my hometown and hearing people say stuff about me, i dont know what happened, i really dont. but it feels like im not close to them anymore and that i wont have contact to anyone soon, and that is a really shitty feeling..
the last weeks i was so excited to go to germany but right now i really dont want to go, maybe because i am scared of realizing that less and less people are there for me, i dont know. but i prefere staying here in sweden and party with those amazing people. but well there is nothing more to do about it, now its decided that im going to germany.


(oh btw i forgot to post it in tok so i will post it now, just if you wonder why it is on my wall that late :P)

what the hell is wrong with me?

i dont know what it is but something is wrong with me. i dont feel comfortable in my body at all; i just feel very fat and really not pretty. im not saying that because if want compliments, i dont really like getting compliment, im saying it because i mean it..people can tell me that i have a nice body but i dont believe them since i dont feel like it and it is hard if you have someone who tells you that you look fat. it is strange because in english we talked about anorexie and you can see if someone is on its way to this sickness if someone counts calories, always weights itsself  and write it down and look in the mirrow and check out its body all the time.. that is exactly what i do, but nobody really knows because i just do it at home. but the thing is that im not anorexie at all, i eat a lot. i dont get it, it is really weird. i have to think about food all the time; i have to plan what im going to eat during the whole day and have to write it down. i have never really talked about it because i would just annoy people and people keep on saying i just do it to get compliments. but its not true, i really dont like my body, understand it or not. if i could change one thing on my body it would be my stomach, i mean look at it, its ugly and fat. maybe nobody can really see it but i do and i feel it. its discusting, but i keep on eating. i hate it. i really dont get why im doing that to myself, i mean check my body all the time, count calories and all the shit. it gets so annoying but i cant stop it..

luck.

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”

i had the greatest weekend in a long time. friday night i had a girlsnight with my lovely friends but i already wrote that before. i think i didnt laugh that much in ages though.. saturday and sunday i was in gothenborg because of the hockey camp and i was not happy for such a long day. this weekend my probably my whole last month. it was exhausting and i felt like dying but it was so worth it, now i was directly invited to come to the next camp which decides if im good enough for the nationalteam but my choaches said i have a good chance. but now i have to make so much sport, to get really fit! god, i have waited for this chance for 11 years and now i come closer and closer to my goal. i really cant believe it. i am so happy. guys dont play a very big role in my life right now, as i said so many times before i have my awesome friends and field hockey.

"learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"

first of all i would like to thank you all my cuties for this really nice evening. i really enjoyed it.. i really had a great time. i was scared like hell after all the horror stories we told each other and everything what moved just scared the hell out of me but well now i can laugh about that fact. we failed at making pizza, come on it is one of the easiest things you can do but if you know us you dont expect anything else. haha we laughed at ourselves. good memorize, i wont forget this evening and i hope we will have one of those evening soon again.

now i am sitting in the car on my way to gothenborg and i am so excited! But it feels like both my parents have PMS and i prefere not talking to them right now. I would say after the despressed time, i am happy because of different things. I mean come on with such awesome friends and this great chance in gothenborg can one just be happy. Not caring about guys, or well i still care about them but taking it really easy feels really good!

but one of my closest is leaving soon again and i know i will miss her even though she will come back in like a month but she is such a great person! Why did she have to move? Why couldnt someone else move? She was the one who always made me happy and she still makes me happy. her comments make my days, seriously this girl is crazy.. i always have fun with her, doesnt matter what we do, she makes the most boring shit fun somehow. its amazing.. SHE is truely amazing. i love you girliii.

And it not just she is leaving.. another girl that really touched my heart is going back to her home country again. What should i do without her? she was the one who motivated me again and again and was always there for me. Damn i will miss her so much! I dont get why it always happens to me, first i move and lost so many friends and now three of my closest friends moved. That is really not fair. but doesnt matter how far we leave apart i will always love them! she is always happy and it seems like she came to sweden with the mission to make everyone happy here, and i think she almost completed it. and even if she leaves she will still be in my heart and hopefully she will come back really soon!

another exciting day in school.

im sitting in the library with friend and listening to music AND being completely bored but that is nothing new. i am actually supposed to study but too much things are on my mind. i am looking forward to tonite; going to spend a great night with the bestest girls and tomorrow i am finally going to gothenborg; to show them my hockey skills. hopefully everything is going to work out and i can go to the next camp and can then get the chance to play with the swedish national team u21 (i wrote more about it in "hope"). next weekend is goign to be fuckin awesome, i am going to germany and i should not say that but i guess i am not going to remember a lot on sunday/monday morning, i mean halloween is just once a year. :D lets see what shit is going to happen there, it is going to be very interesting. i hope old feelings dont come back, i think that is the worse that could happen to me.
soon i have english and then lunch, i loooveee food and enjoy it everytime haha it is pretty sad. one of my friends always thinks of me when she eats, especially meatballs. how should i take that? :p i should stop eating that much otherwise everyone will just hear me complaining all day about my body, but i guess i do that anyways. i hate looking into the mirrow. argh! but well life goes on..the world keeps turning (i will say that again and again ;P) and after school i have football practise with the girls team which is going to be a lot of fun but i guess there is going to be "bitchfights", as always -.-

beyoncé- broken hearted girl.

You're everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could've been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I'd love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you're the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can't erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don't want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don't want a broken heart
And I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl, no no
No broken-hearted girl
I'm no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I've always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you've got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you're not deserving me
And still you're in my heart
But you're the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don't complain
Cause I've been afraid that you would've walk away

Oh but now I don't hate you
I'm happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take breath with out you babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don't want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don't want a broken heart
And I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl...
No, No, No broken-hearted girl

Now I'm at a place I thought I'd never be, ooo
I'm living in a world that's all about you and me, yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don't wanna be without my baby
I don't wanna a broken heart
Don't want to take a breath with out my baby
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don't want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl no, no
No broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl

confusion :P

i dont know what to think of today. i would say except for school i had a ver very nice day with my dearest friend. school is just pissing me off right now.. i really dislike IB, it is killing me, already! science is getting on my nerves, after i failed the test i should start listening and do something to get better; i guess that is a good idea, but how should my grades get better if i just dont get this shit.. then i got my business test back which was actually quite alright and in the end i had a french test that i didnt know about, but well there is nothing to do about it. :D i am just waiting for the next test that i can fail -.- ..and the weather was so weird today, first its sunny, then it is hailing, then the sun is shining again and then it is raining. i hate it because it has such moodswings, just like a girl. i swear to god if it starts snowing in the next days, i am going to freak out, it is not even november yet :o. well after school i met up with lovi and she made my day, really i am happy to have this wonderful girl. i was kind of depressed about my life because school & shit just makes me so mad, but the conversation helped me a lot. once again i realised how stupid it was to run after him again and again. and i am done with being depressed. now i just chill, take it easy and let everything happen. i guess that is the best i can do.

yesterday.

 “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

i think yesterday changed a lot. i was laying in my bed, talking to my lovely friends and other people. i felt lonely, stupid and cold but talkin to my friends felt really nice. i really do not like guys sometimes, i mean how can you be as stupid as they are? it seems like they dont of a heart and there mission is to break mine; mission completed. that is not what i meant by changed, i thought that before like a a lot of other girls i guess. but right now i dont give a fuck about them, dont care what they say and want, i wont let them break my heart again. at least not right now. i can have a great life with my friends who are always there for me. the most stupid thing i did was running after a guy who obviously enjoyed it and played with my feelings. just for you outside there, dont run after a guy and dont change for a guy either. if the guy really likes you he will come to you. if you show too many feelings you will get hurt. i am just talking from experience.. well i love my friends so much and i am really happy to have them. guys (obviously not my friends) can go and fuck their selves right now, i am sorry to say.

xoxo kisses

dramaqueens & attentionwhores.

i think there is not day that does not included any drama. not that i expect something else, i mean it is ISH we talking about, but it is tiresome. sadly everyone talks shit about everyone. people find out that other people talk shit about them behind their back and start talking shit about those people as well. really, why can people not just be honest with each other? i dont get it. it seems there are so many fake people around me. i dont know who tells lies and who actually tells the truth since i hear more and more shit going around, shit people that are supposed to be my friends tell about me. if i ask them they deny it, they cannot be honest with me. but why? are they scared of me? i dont get it. people make drama out of the smallest thing and try to get as much attention as possible. it is getting annoying and i honestly stop caring.. i guess if i would not stop caring i would be depressed all the time, and come on, nobody wants to be depressed, except the ones that are trying to get attention.

if you think about it in another way it is actually kinda funny. we have always something to talk about, seriously always, as if we would not have a life. ISH KIDS FOR LIFE :D:D i think i know a lot more about people than they think i know. it is hilarious. obviously there is shit going around about me, but i just try not to care. it is the best i can do.

my heart speaks a language i dont understand.

what the hell is wrong with me? i keep on blaming other people, expect people being there for me but really that is not the way it should work. i should be able to handle my problems alone, but it feels like i am too weak. everything just brings me down. i try to get up again but new things happen every day.. Nothing, really nothing works out for me right now.. im sorry. i did not mean to hurt or bitch at anyone but it is just getting too much. i dont know what to do anymore. im helpless like a little child.. probably nobody expects me ever to write that because i am happy in school at least i pretend to be.
i can just say life is like a rollercoster, it goes up and down and everyone has those sad, depressing moments. but everyone handles it in a different way; writing and talkin to my friends helps me.. dont judge people because they are crying and show their feelings, just because you cannot show your own feelings.

me, myself & i :D

i failed and totally forgot to write about myself and the things you should know. i think there is not really much to say about me. a lovely friend of mine gave me the idea to start writing this blog; i dont know how long i m going to do this regulary but ee will see. :D

im 16 and turning 17 on the 15th of december, so very soon. haha im half german and half swedish; i grew up in germany, i lived there for 15 years and now i live in helsingborg, sweden, since 1 year.

in my free time i hang out with friends, play field hockey since like 11 years, go to the gym, party; well partying here is rather lame because we cannot go anywhere, everything is +18 which is really gay haha but thats why i love visiting germany; i can party with my lovely friends as much as i want. etc, otherwise i am in school and feel like i dont have a life at all, but well i guess that is IB. i think it is sad how many people are fake but i have my real friends which i really love. i always have a great time with them and just enjoy spending time with them. i really like girls or movie nights just with a few people, it is just so cosy.

well i dont know what else to write, but i guess you will get to know me better trough the texts i will write. dont think i am a depressed little girl because of what im writing, but it just helps me to express my feelings that i have in me for so long.

i dont write it to get attention or anything, it just makes me feel a lot better about everything. i dont want people to feel sorry for me.

ohh yeahh and one thing you just have to know about me: i love food and eat all the time. haha its very sad but food makes me happy! and i like the word "gay":D

xoxo kisses

hope.

since one week im probably one of the happiest girls in this world if its about chances and success. this weekend is going to be really important for my future. i have the possibilty to be in the swedish national team u21 and play with it in the european championship in scotland. if that actually works out i will be the happiest girl alife for sure. it makes me think of something else than just guys, school and all my problems.. i have played hockey for like 11 years now and a really big wish of mine would come true and finally i would feel like i actually successed at one thing in my life.

past is not always just "the past"

  “What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

do i really want that again, especially now after all what happened. i am just confused and dont know what to think about you anymore. i should follow my heart, but how is that possible if i cannot feel anything? i give up so easily nowadays. i dont understand myself, i got so hurt and have been through a lot of shit without poeple really knowing, but i am stupid and just cannot leave the past behind me.. why can i not let go on you? i am sure there are more beautiful guys which would care more about me but all i want is you and nobody else. it hurts to know that we wont get back to what we had but i still want it to happen again. but it wont. i have to move on, but how? most people are probably wondering why i make such a big deal of it, i honeslty dont know and i thought it would easier than it actually is.. there are so  many questions that are not answered and i will never get an answer to them. i dont think you know how i feel but i guess guys in general dont think about the way girls feel, they dont understand us and our emotional side.. but as a good friend of my always say: "life goes on.. and the world keeps turning."