questions over questions.

why do i feel that bad or weird when i see you not with you & why do i feel so great when i am with you, just with you and nobody else? it is so weird.. why do i get so jealous for no reason and if i do exactly the same as you do with other guys? why does it feel so different when i am around you? i dont wanna feel like this cause i am just going to get hurt.. just as it happened before. i hate being confused like that and not knowing what to do, but i guess that is nothing new. i keep fuckin things up and i hate myself for it. why do you have to be in my life right now? and especially: why do i care so fuckin much about it when i really shouldnt? i dont wanna be depressed but when i hear you talking about how you like those different girls and how you had sex with them its just weird. i cant think of another word.. i dont get how guys are so "cold", it is hard to explain. it seems like they can forget about someone so easily and just move on. i feel stupid not being able to move on about a fuckin guy, i hate myself for that too. i make my life very hard and not enjoyable for myself since i cant get over people. at least not easily.. all the things that happened in the past come back and everything just happens again, if that makes sence. in such situations i would love to be a guy, not showing any feelings and being totally cool with what happens around me and even not caring what the person does that i like. life could be so much better but i make it hard for myself as i said before. i try my best not to care at all, not to show feelings, not to get pissed, not to beg for things, not to ask questions etc but i guess i fail at most of these things.. i am just waiting to get hurt and fucked over again!