hm

aaaand once again i feel completely blown up and just disgusting. i think i gained 1 ½ kilos again and its killing me. i need to loose it as soon as possible again otherwise im gonna be all depressed and i really dont like feeling like that.. i just dont know how to loose it, well i do but its hard. its not working the way i expected it to work. i do sports, i usually dont eat much and its not very often that i eat a lot of candy or chips. its just disappointing.. im afraid to weigh myself in the evening cause i think i just keep on gaining weight even though i dont eat that much :/ annoooooying.

Italy 2011

blääh.

being on a diet for so long is a bitch. i mean yeah you get used to not eating a lot of candy and other unhealthy food but i got to a stage where i am soo freakin hungry all the time. the only problem is that i cant eat more cause i still want to loose weight. right now it more feels like im gaining some again which really is not good. i guess i will never be happy with my body. i hate how low my self-confidence is. i am still afraid of gaining weight.. my stomach hurts a lot lately and i need to eat more but i just cant. i know i would be unhappy again. ah i hate this situation cuz to me it is a lose lose situation.. just now i feel so ew once again, i guess i have already gained 0.5 kilos since friday and i really dont want that! well i gotta weigh myself soon and thn i will see :/ ..

eine angst die andere nicht verstehen können.

i now managed to loose the last 2 kilos that i wanted to loose but now i am scared as hell of gaining something again. i check the calories and fat of all the food i eat and doesnt matter what i eat i feel bad afterwards.always when i see a mirrow i have to check out my body, if it looks skinnier, fatter or something. it is a horrible feeling i have and i dont think a lot of people understand me.i always weigh myself in the morning but now i started doing that in the evening again which is annoying and depressing. i start getting all sweaty and feeling weird before weighing myself in the evening cause im scared that i gained more then i was allowed to..i cant gain anything.. i really dont want to otherwise i feel so bad again and have to eat even less.. i think i gained some weight today again, well it feels like it..gonna check it very soon even though i dont want too. ah i hate it..

calories are evil ...

DONE WITH MY MINI MOOOCKKS! :D:D im happy but i dont think it went too good for me. I am getting my results next week so that is gonna be interesting. I hooope i didnt fail cause i really studied a lot for them and did not have time for anything else not even to work out. As a result of that my whole "losing weight" thing just stoped and i gained a bit again which is really depressing and i feel so uncomfortable again. I actually start liking my legs but now i really do not like them at all.. arghh i hate this feeling. it feels like i need to loose more weight otherwise i cannot be happy with myself. i just have the feeling that nobody can accept me if i look like i do now. i guess it is ridiculous but thats the way it is and trust me i really do not like it. i need to lose at least 1 ½ kilos which is gonna be hard. i want to be able to accept myself the way i am but i just does not work for some reason. i might look like i am very self-confident but believe me i am not. my body is weird, if i work out a lot i gain weight, if i dont really do much i lose weight.. argh hate it. the only thing i can do is eating veryyy little until i lost it and then trying to keep it. so i guess ill be in a bad mood for the next weeks cause im gonna be so hungry.. well life is a bitch sometimes :D but i dont wanna look like a puffed-up something -.-

summerfeeling.

Finaaaaally i am in an amazing mood again.. the weather is really nice so its taaanning tiimmee :D:D everyone is in a good mood because the sun is shining the whole day and my friends just make me incredible happy!! do not really have a lot to say today :D

don't know what to say anymore..

i cannot do this anymore, since friday im laying in bed every evening just crying. i do not know me like this, i have never felt so bad in my life. it feels like im loosing so many people right now. i thought i would kept at least my good friends in germany but no i didnt, i have 1-3 good friends left and thats it, the others do not give a fuck about me anymore.. they tell me that i have changed so much, but is it really right to give me shit for doing somethigng with guys just cause i havent done that i germany. telling me they cannot kept contact cause they just do not know what to say, they do not know how to begin since there is so much to tell.. also here in sweden sometimes it just feels like i loose more and more friends and i dont know why. maybe it is just me who thinks that and im just stupid, i dont know. it seems like i just expect too much from my friends, i know it is hard to listen to all my problems all the time and im really trying hard to deal with them on my own but sometimes there is just no other way than telling people. i know it can get very annoying but why do they not tell me? why can they not be honest with me? i dont get it..
i have so much on my mind right now.. i dont know why it knocked me down so much when i heard of what happened to you. i did not really know you, but i still met you and played with you and your siblings. i had you in my arms and you smiled at me.. you were still in my life at some point. then they tell me what happened.. its one year ago and i can still not believe it. they just told me a few weeks ago.. i can not see a pool without thinking what happened to you. the whole situation how it happened, i have to imagine it even though i dont want to.. im still shocked. i can never see you again, its unbelieveable! you were so young and had your whole life before you.. R.I.P.
i am not fuckin perfect and i never said i was.. i dont get why you always tell me that im not perfect etc.. i KNOW im not.. my life is shitty right now, i have made so many mistakes, i get so much shit for a lot of stuff that i do.. i am not perfect, nobody is and i dont want to be perfect. i make mistakes as i said before but i learn from them, i really do believe me or not. you just dont understand why i act that why because you do not know how i feel, seems like nobody really does except for some people..

hmm..

i dont know to who i should go and talk about it anymore since everyone seems to get annoyed when im talkin about how i feel or they just dont give a fuck.. im in a very weird mood, im actually happy, i mean the break starts tomorrow, the weather is getting better, im slowing getting over him, some of my friends really make me laugh, hockey is going fine, im getting more self-confident etc, but there is some sadness in me. If i listen to sad music no one can talk to me because im about to cry. i dont really know why. usually you think of someone when you listen to this typ of music, you think of what has happened or something like that but i dont, i dont think of anyone. i think more about my friendships, i guess that is what makes me sad. i just expect to much from my friends, i wnt them to listen to me and my problems all the time and even though they say that they like to listen i can see and feel that they get tired of it, you can tell me whatever you want..im not stupid. i dont blame it on anyone else, really. i need to learn how to handle my own problems.. it all sounds so stupid when i write it and i cannot really explain how i feel

do i actulally do something right?

everything i say or do is wrong.. for once i stay home and not go out and for baking instead i directly get called boring and childish.. i get pissed when my friends use me as a servant so i get called a lazy bitch.. i screamed back at my brother cause he screams for no reason at me, i am the one who is the respectless and unfriendly person then.. i eat one muffin whilst the others alread ate 3 but i am the one who is called fat.. i try to help others with the problems but apparently i always give the wrong advise.. instead of doing my homework sitting alone on a table i am lying in my bed and do them, so i ofc get called lazy again..
in other cases its more like whatever i say people dont give a fuck.. i tell a good friend from germany she shud contact me last time we talk in january, she hasnt written anything until now.. i tell my problems to one of my best friends, but she just starts talking about her own problems..i tell you how i fell about you, you tell me about the date you going to..i tell you i need someone to help me, you just say you dont know what to say instead of telling me what you think.. i tell you about my problems about my body, just either just show me ur body that is better then mine and you know it or you just dont listen at all..

...

i am surprised that i could keep myself from freaking out the last days. i dont know why but it seems to be so normal for them to just diss others all the time. it is not like you did not know before that you dont have time and dont fucking tell me your parents did nto let you go, we both know that a lie. just tell me to my face that you cannot bother, that you dont give a fuck about our friendship or that im just too boring for you. you always expect me to understand your reasons for not coming; telling me that its not fair that i am pissed because you dissed me for a guy or homework that you could have done a week ago..
i dont get why you cannot just talk to me when you are with me, why do you always have to have your phone or take my laptop to be on facebook? i dont get it, i thought you come over because you want to talk to me and not your friends on the internet. really i was so close to freak out but i dont wanna waste my energy because of you anymore. next time you can just stay home since there is no difference if your with me and talk to your friend on facebook or if your alone and are on facebook. I hate how people cannot be without technology for some hours anymore, how there always has to be a phone or something, its pissing me off. i love how little children can play without constently having technology around them and i miss my childhood because of that.
i really dont know what to say anymore, there is so much that pisses me off right now.

its a mad world.

why cant you just be honest to me? i dont understand it. i dont get why you are scared of talking to me about things that you dislike about me or our friendship. telling me i am a bad friend that treats you basically like shit over facebook is just weak. i thought you were one of my best friends but apparently you cant even say things like that to my face. you say i tear you down all the time, when the fuck did i do that? you have hurt me badly and you know why.. you should be happy that im still you friend because i think the majority would not talk to you anymore. in other words you say i force you to do things and you are scared that if you dont do them you will loose me as a friend.. i dont understand you seriously. you cant even give me examples for anything. i have said it to you so many times but you just dont understand. im freaking mad right now and all what happened in the past comes back to my mind and it makes me more angry. i have always been there for you, always. and that you do such things to me, is just unbelievable. you say i dont stand up for you which hurts me the most since even when people were against you or talked shit about you i was on your side and defended you..

calories can go and f*ck their selves!

last post was ageeesss ago but i just dont have time anymore, today i came home from scotland. we were playin EM; it was a great experience and we achieved what we wanted to achieve, really awesome. but well i cant bother writing about it right now cause i feel disgusting rigth now. we had to eat sooo much there because we needed a lot of energy. my body couldnt really take it, i felt bad all the time and stuff. i apparently gained 3 kilos, 3 FREAKIN KILOS, i cannot believe it. im disgusted. i mean before that i wanted to weigh at least 2 kilos less and i know its hard to get to where i want to get to but now i have to loose even more. ew ew ew.. nobody can imagine how i feel, really. i dont know wht to do cause it feels like does matter what i do i gain weigth and never loose any. i HATE it!