i would love to understand myself. really, i dont get it. i show guys way too many emotions and always fuck it up between us but i cant show any emotions to my brother. i mean it isa completely different story but i should be able to show more emotion to my bro. i almost made him cry today without wanting it but obviously i have to change something. i have to try to show him more 'feelings' and the guys a lot less. i dont know, but people tell me to be more 'cold' to guys and i will try that but knowing me it wont work.. i hate it. well we will see what happens tonight at the party. i am so excited and really looking forward to it. i have the feeling it will change something in my life but i have no clue what.

its party time.

it is unbelievable how im exicted and i am just waiting for tomorrow to come. it is hopefully going to be awesome. everyone is looking foward to it, which is a big plus. i just hope there wont be too much drama and that people are not mad because i cant invited everyone, obviously. god, i am excited! yesterday i bought my costume and läsk + food and of course decoration so i am all prepared. music and speakers are also fixed. but i am just a bit worried about my costume, that it looks to sluty but if it does i am pretty sure i wont be the only one, so it is all fine.. well what i am going to be is a surprise. some people already told me what they are going to be and their ideas were really good. i cant wait to see everyone tomorrow with different costumes and hopefully all in a good mood! oh wow, i cant stop talkin and thinking about it :o now i need to clean up my room  and the rest of the house for the party, i really cant be bothered but i guess it is worth it..

brownies & parties.

watching tv with my mummy and just finished all the school work i had to do, god i am proud of myself that i actually do all my work nowadays, i still hate homework. well i ate so many brownies today so that i really feel fat now and i wish i would not have eaten them.. brownies with a lot of chocolate are eeeevil! well knowing me i will eat more brownies tomorrow, because they are really delicious. and i mean i hate my body anyways so there is nothing to do about it and i wont start talkin about all my problems with my body because it is endless..
today was a great day, since i decided yesterday that im not going to germany my mummy asked if i want to have a halloween party and as if i would say no to this. so now i invited all the awesome people and i am really looking forward it. i have no clue what i sgoing to happen, but i am sure some drama will happen. i will just see.. i know some girls want to make out with some guys, so this will be very interesting and funny. god, i just love houseparties so much. the only thing i hate about those parties is inviting people. i mean i cant invited everyone but so many people expect me to invite them just because we talked once or twice or im nice to them in school..
well i woke up with a really good mood today and i really enjoyed being around people today. i think i wasnt smiling that much in a long time and it felt great. i also had a very nice fika with my dearest friend.. i am actually looking forward to school, i mean it is the last day before the break and i just have 2 hours, so its chilly-willy :P

writing this blog is really addicting, i thought i would stop writing stuff after a few days or something. but i found out i even get cas for that, it is so awesome. haha.

winterfeeling.

i am sitting at home in warm and cosy colthes in a warm room. i just found delicious cookies from last christmas while i was baking. well i brought back old memorize since back this time i made one for a guy who actually meant something to me and his first letter was on there. nevertheless those cookies still tasted very good and woke up the winter/ christmas feeling in me. i love it. i am making brownies with a lot of chocolate on top for the fun of it and for my friends to see them hopefully smiling when they eat them tomorrow, but you never know if they are any good with my clumsiness.. to be honest i love my brownies, they are really delicious and im quite sure the others do like them too, otherwise it is not my problem :D. i like saying people being happy because me. now i am just waiting for december and the snow to come. this time truely make me happy. i love spending cosy times with my family and friends, looking outside in a world full of snow (like the background picture of my blog) and talking about everything. i think to have an absolute great christmas i need a guy but right now i honestly do not really care about that fact. everyone is so happy during this time and make presents for each other. for me it is not important to recieve presents i prefere making my friends a little surprise with something. thinking of this time is just awesome and makes me really want to have christmas or at least my birthday now..

true friendship.

"best friends are people who know everything about you and still love you"

i would just like to thank my clostest friends for everything what they have done for me. i love you a lot and i really dont know how to thank you, really. the fact that you are always there for me and try to help me as much as possible just makes me very happy and i appreciate it.

sometimes i dont know how you can bother with me and all my problems and i know i can be a really annoying person, i am sorry for that :D

with the time floating by i have even slipped apart from my close friends in germany because it is just not possible to keep contact to everyone. i have been through a hard time realizing that those friends were so disapointed at me and started talkin behind my back when i told them what happened here in sweden. i dont get it, i mean everyone changes with time and they just dont know me anymore. i mean come on everyone loses its virginity sooner or later and no one just judge someone just because this one has more experience and likes being with guys..

well here my friends stay by my side all the time, doesnt matter what happens, they are there for me. i went through hard times and they always build me up again and told me not to give up. i think the people i am talking about right now know it, like caro, blacki, vitti, aroha & tya but i would love to thank especially handi, lovi and nati. i love you. i honestly do not how to thank you for everything, im so glad to have you.

by the way, dont wonder about the names, the people now who i mean, those are just special nicknames, from different memories.

i just dont know.

i believed i am a good friend. i am always there for my friends, always listen to them and they know they can come to me whenever they need me.. they can call me in the middle of the night, they can sleep at my place if they need and so on.. obviously i am not perfect, nobody is and everyone makes mistakes. i think making mistakes is important for life because we all learn from them. i honestly do not regret anything in my life but sometimes i still wish i could decide and live through some things/situations again.. i have more secrets than everyone thinks i do  and almost nobody knows about it. i guess people dont know me as good as they think they do. it hurts to see "friends" and the feeling that i did something wrong to those friends, that i did something behind their back what they dont know and never find out. i am mad at myself for doing this even though i enjoyed this time. now i hate myself for it.. i am probably one of the most honest people that my friends will ever have, but some people just cannot take the truth and i really dont know how the whole thing could happen..i am sorry. i hate it if people say "it just happened", for me its not an explanation for things and it pisses me off to hear it but i have nothing better to say than it really just happened. i cannot really remember how it happened. i am just sorry. but then again i am not fuckin perfect and i will never be.. i am actually sitting here with tears in my eyes and dont know what to do anymore. sure secrets are awesome to have, at least i think so but i have way to many which make my life really not easier. i have to me even more honest with myself and stop living with that many secrets. i am scared to get hurt but that just the way it is and i just caanot take it any longer. i mean being with people for whom i have secrets, it doesnt feel right anymore. it just gets too much..

changes.

im sitting in tok and im really bored, as always. i really cannot be bothered listening to the teacher or doing any work today.. nothing special happens here, well of course there is drama everyday, but i learnt not to care anymore because i just get so tired of people talking shit about each other etc.. a friend of mine said i looked like bella from twilight today. but i think she is ugly so that was a nice "compliment" :D my whole body hurts because of the weekend and of the football match. actually the mtach yesterday was a lot of fun but we lost, not that i expected something else. :P those lund girls are bitches but i dont even start complaining..
yesterday was also one of those days where i was thinking of germany, old times and old friends. it is really sad to realize how just a few friends are left out of so many i used to have when i was still living in germany and it hurts.. in the beginning when i moved i had so much contact to all the people in germany and i dont know what happened but nowadays i have hardly contact to anyone and i am even scared of going to germany on vacation..i cannot really describe the way i feel, but it is really weird. the first month after i moved i missed germany so much but now, after a year i dont miss it at all. obviously i miss the few friends i still have and hockey but thats it. im tired of people who pretend they are my friends and talk so much shit about me.. im also tired of people from germany telling me i changed so much and i seem to be like such a bitch nowadays, even though they have not seen me in ages. and it hurts to hear those things.. i hate those bitchy looks when i am back in my hometown and hearing people say stuff about me, i dont know what happened, i really dont. but it feels like im not close to them anymore and that i wont have contact to anyone soon, and that is a really shitty feeling..
the last weeks i was so excited to go to germany but right now i really dont want to go, maybe because i am scared of realizing that less and less people are there for me, i dont know. but i prefere staying here in sweden and party with those amazing people. but well there is nothing more to do about it, now its decided that im going to germany.


(oh btw i forgot to post it in tok so i will post it now, just if you wonder why it is on my wall that late :P)

what the hell is wrong with me?

i dont know what it is but something is wrong with me. i dont feel comfortable in my body at all; i just feel very fat and really not pretty. im not saying that because if want compliments, i dont really like getting compliment, im saying it because i mean it..people can tell me that i have a nice body but i dont believe them since i dont feel like it and it is hard if you have someone who tells you that you look fat. it is strange because in english we talked about anorexie and you can see if someone is on its way to this sickness if someone counts calories, always weights itsself  and write it down and look in the mirrow and check out its body all the time.. that is exactly what i do, but nobody really knows because i just do it at home. but the thing is that im not anorexie at all, i eat a lot. i dont get it, it is really weird. i have to think about food all the time; i have to plan what im going to eat during the whole day and have to write it down. i have never really talked about it because i would just annoy people and people keep on saying i just do it to get compliments. but its not true, i really dont like my body, understand it or not. if i could change one thing on my body it would be my stomach, i mean look at it, its ugly and fat. maybe nobody can really see it but i do and i feel it. its discusting, but i keep on eating. i hate it. i really dont get why im doing that to myself, i mean check my body all the time, count calories and all the shit. it gets so annoying but i cant stop it..

luck.

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”

i had the greatest weekend in a long time. friday night i had a girlsnight with my lovely friends but i already wrote that before. i think i didnt laugh that much in ages though.. saturday and sunday i was in gothenborg because of the hockey camp and i was not happy for such a long day. this weekend my probably my whole last month. it was exhausting and i felt like dying but it was so worth it, now i was directly invited to come to the next camp which decides if im good enough for the nationalteam but my choaches said i have a good chance. but now i have to make so much sport, to get really fit! god, i have waited for this chance for 11 years and now i come closer and closer to my goal. i really cant believe it. i am so happy. guys dont play a very big role in my life right now, as i said so many times before i have my awesome friends and field hockey.

"learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"

first of all i would like to thank you all my cuties for this really nice evening. i really enjoyed it.. i really had a great time. i was scared like hell after all the horror stories we told each other and everything what moved just scared the hell out of me but well now i can laugh about that fact. we failed at making pizza, come on it is one of the easiest things you can do but if you know us you dont expect anything else. haha we laughed at ourselves. good memorize, i wont forget this evening and i hope we will have one of those evening soon again.

now i am sitting in the car on my way to gothenborg and i am so excited! But it feels like both my parents have PMS and i prefere not talking to them right now. I would say after the despressed time, i am happy because of different things. I mean come on with such awesome friends and this great chance in gothenborg can one just be happy. Not caring about guys, or well i still care about them but taking it really easy feels really good!

but one of my closest is leaving soon again and i know i will miss her even though she will come back in like a month but she is such a great person! Why did she have to move? Why couldnt someone else move? She was the one who always made me happy and she still makes me happy. her comments make my days, seriously this girl is crazy.. i always have fun with her, doesnt matter what we do, she makes the most boring shit fun somehow. its amazing.. SHE is truely amazing. i love you girliii.

And it not just she is leaving.. another girl that really touched my heart is going back to her home country again. What should i do without her? she was the one who motivated me again and again and was always there for me. Damn i will miss her so much! I dont get why it always happens to me, first i move and lost so many friends and now three of my closest friends moved. That is really not fair. but doesnt matter how far we leave apart i will always love them! she is always happy and it seems like she came to sweden with the mission to make everyone happy here, and i think she almost completed it. and even if she leaves she will still be in my heart and hopefully she will come back really soon!

another exciting day in school.

im sitting in the library with friend and listening to music AND being completely bored but that is nothing new. i am actually supposed to study but too much things are on my mind. i am looking forward to tonite; going to spend a great night with the bestest girls and tomorrow i am finally going to gothenborg; to show them my hockey skills. hopefully everything is going to work out and i can go to the next camp and can then get the chance to play with the swedish national team u21 (i wrote more about it in "hope"). next weekend is goign to be fuckin awesome, i am going to germany and i should not say that but i guess i am not going to remember a lot on sunday/monday morning, i mean halloween is just once a year. :D lets see what shit is going to happen there, it is going to be very interesting. i hope old feelings dont come back, i think that is the worse that could happen to me.
soon i have english and then lunch, i loooveee food and enjoy it everytime haha it is pretty sad. one of my friends always thinks of me when she eats, especially meatballs. how should i take that? :p i should stop eating that much otherwise everyone will just hear me complaining all day about my body, but i guess i do that anyways. i hate looking into the mirrow. argh! but well life goes on..the world keeps turning (i will say that again and again ;P) and after school i have football practise with the girls team which is going to be a lot of fun but i guess there is going to be "bitchfights", as always -.-

beyoncé- broken hearted girl.

You're everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could've been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I'd love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you're the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can't erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don't want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don't want a broken heart
And I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl, no no
No broken-hearted girl
I'm no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I've always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you've got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you're not deserving me
And still you're in my heart
But you're the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don't complain
Cause I've been afraid that you would've walk away

Oh but now I don't hate you
I'm happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you babe
I don't want a broken heart
Don't wanna take breath with out you babe
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don't want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don't want a broken heart
And I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl...
No, No, No broken-hearted girl

Now I'm at a place I thought I'd never be, ooo
I'm living in a world that's all about you and me, yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don't wanna be without my baby
I don't wanna a broken heart
Don't want to take a breath with out my baby
I don't wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don't want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don't want a broken heart
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl no, no
No broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl

confusion :P

i dont know what to think of today. i would say except for school i had a ver very nice day with my dearest friend. school is just pissing me off right now.. i really dislike IB, it is killing me, already! science is getting on my nerves, after i failed the test i should start listening and do something to get better; i guess that is a good idea, but how should my grades get better if i just dont get this shit.. then i got my business test back which was actually quite alright and in the end i had a french test that i didnt know about, but well there is nothing to do about it. :D i am just waiting for the next test that i can fail -.- ..and the weather was so weird today, first its sunny, then it is hailing, then the sun is shining again and then it is raining. i hate it because it has such moodswings, just like a girl. i swear to god if it starts snowing in the next days, i am going to freak out, it is not even november yet :o. well after school i met up with lovi and she made my day, really i am happy to have this wonderful girl. i was kind of depressed about my life because school & shit just makes me so mad, but the conversation helped me a lot. once again i realised how stupid it was to run after him again and again. and i am done with being depressed. now i just chill, take it easy and let everything happen. i guess that is the best i can do.

yesterday.

 “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

i think yesterday changed a lot. i was laying in my bed, talking to my lovely friends and other people. i felt lonely, stupid and cold but talkin to my friends felt really nice. i really do not like guys sometimes, i mean how can you be as stupid as they are? it seems like they dont of a heart and there mission is to break mine; mission completed. that is not what i meant by changed, i thought that before like a a lot of other girls i guess. but right now i dont give a fuck about them, dont care what they say and want, i wont let them break my heart again. at least not right now. i can have a great life with my friends who are always there for me. the most stupid thing i did was running after a guy who obviously enjoyed it and played with my feelings. just for you outside there, dont run after a guy and dont change for a guy either. if the guy really likes you he will come to you. if you show too many feelings you will get hurt. i am just talking from experience.. well i love my friends so much and i am really happy to have them. guys (obviously not my friends) can go and fuck their selves right now, i am sorry to say.

xoxo kisses

dramaqueens & attentionwhores.

i think there is not day that does not included any drama. not that i expect something else, i mean it is ISH we talking about, but it is tiresome. sadly everyone talks shit about everyone. people find out that other people talk shit about them behind their back and start talking shit about those people as well. really, why can people not just be honest with each other? i dont get it. it seems there are so many fake people around me. i dont know who tells lies and who actually tells the truth since i hear more and more shit going around, shit people that are supposed to be my friends tell about me. if i ask them they deny it, they cannot be honest with me. but why? are they scared of me? i dont get it. people make drama out of the smallest thing and try to get as much attention as possible. it is getting annoying and i honestly stop caring.. i guess if i would not stop caring i would be depressed all the time, and come on, nobody wants to be depressed, except the ones that are trying to get attention.

if you think about it in another way it is actually kinda funny. we have always something to talk about, seriously always, as if we would not have a life. ISH KIDS FOR LIFE :D:D i think i know a lot more about people than they think i know. it is hilarious. obviously there is shit going around about me, but i just try not to care. it is the best i can do.

my heart speaks a language i dont understand.

what the hell is wrong with me? i keep on blaming other people, expect people being there for me but really that is not the way it should work. i should be able to handle my problems alone, but it feels like i am too weak. everything just brings me down. i try to get up again but new things happen every day.. Nothing, really nothing works out for me right now.. im sorry. i did not mean to hurt or bitch at anyone but it is just getting too much. i dont know what to do anymore. im helpless like a little child.. probably nobody expects me ever to write that because i am happy in school at least i pretend to be.
i can just say life is like a rollercoster, it goes up and down and everyone has those sad, depressing moments. but everyone handles it in a different way; writing and talkin to my friends helps me.. dont judge people because they are crying and show their feelings, just because you cannot show your own feelings.

me, myself & i :D

i failed and totally forgot to write about myself and the things you should know. i think there is not really much to say about me. a lovely friend of mine gave me the idea to start writing this blog; i dont know how long i m going to do this regulary but ee will see. :D

im 16 and turning 17 on the 15th of december, so very soon. haha im half german and half swedish; i grew up in germany, i lived there for 15 years and now i live in helsingborg, sweden, since 1 year.

in my free time i hang out with friends, play field hockey since like 11 years, go to the gym, party; well partying here is rather lame because we cannot go anywhere, everything is +18 which is really gay haha but thats why i love visiting germany; i can party with my lovely friends as much as i want. etc, otherwise i am in school and feel like i dont have a life at all, but well i guess that is IB. i think it is sad how many people are fake but i have my real friends which i really love. i always have a great time with them and just enjoy spending time with them. i really like girls or movie nights just with a few people, it is just so cosy.

well i dont know what else to write, but i guess you will get to know me better trough the texts i will write. dont think i am a depressed little girl because of what im writing, but it just helps me to express my feelings that i have in me for so long.

i dont write it to get attention or anything, it just makes me feel a lot better about everything. i dont want people to feel sorry for me.

ohh yeahh and one thing you just have to know about me: i love food and eat all the time. haha its very sad but food makes me happy! and i like the word "gay":D

xoxo kisses

hope.

since one week im probably one of the happiest girls in this world if its about chances and success. this weekend is going to be really important for my future. i have the possibilty to be in the swedish national team u21 and play with it in the european championship in scotland. if that actually works out i will be the happiest girl alife for sure. it makes me think of something else than just guys, school and all my problems.. i have played hockey for like 11 years now and a really big wish of mine would come true and finally i would feel like i actually successed at one thing in my life.

past is not always just "the past"

  “What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

do i really want that again, especially now after all what happened. i am just confused and dont know what to think about you anymore. i should follow my heart, but how is that possible if i cannot feel anything? i give up so easily nowadays. i dont understand myself, i got so hurt and have been through a lot of shit without poeple really knowing, but i am stupid and just cannot leave the past behind me.. why can i not let go on you? i am sure there are more beautiful guys which would care more about me but all i want is you and nobody else. it hurts to know that we wont get back to what we had but i still want it to happen again. but it wont. i have to move on, but how? most people are probably wondering why i make such a big deal of it, i honeslty dont know and i thought it would easier than it actually is.. there are so  many questions that are not answered and i will never get an answer to them. i dont think you know how i feel but i guess guys in general dont think about the way girls feel, they dont understand us and our emotional side.. but as a good friend of my always say: "life goes on.. and the world keeps turning."