life is like a rollercoster.

it feels like i am slipping apart from most of my friends. i dont know why, maybe because i spent so much time in hockey at least at the weekends. my friends go out and have fun while i am playing hockey. Of course i want them to have fun and stuff but if they dont even ask if i wanna come with them it just feels weird. I hate it, i dont blame them, i blame myself. I am just not close to them anymore, i feel ignored but thats just the way it is. Maybe i just ignore them with hockey. I dont know. I was so freaking happy all the time and thn i went to school and everything just fucked up.. I just want to play hockey and be happy!

hockey weekend.

im getting happier and happier after every hockey weekend, i didnt think that was possible. on friday me and the rest of the national team u21 met and went to gothenborg to play against the guys nationalteam. friday it was chill, we just talked a lot and joke around. we were already so nervous and couldnt way for the next day. saturday we went up really early, ate and went to victoriastation in lund then. that is where our gym was in. we walkd there through the snow which felt really good. it is so beautiful outside and soon is christmas time, i just love it. anyways we watch the swedish guys national team u21 against the danish guys national team u21. wow, it was very awesome to watch, i wish i could play like they do. and we couldnt believe that we play against them as well. other teams from germany, sweden and danmark were also playing, so cute. one girl she was 6 and didnt know what to do while playing. it was adoreable! and it reminded me on the time i was in this age and played hockey. well later on we played against danmark and even though we lost we played very very well. in the evening we had another game against a danish mixed-team and i scored my first goal with the national teaaaam u21 then it was awesome. our first goal at the turnament. awesome.awesome.awesome. afterwards we went back to the school we slept in. we ate and later our coaches came and talked to us for ages haha. they talked about scotland, where the european championship for the u21 teams next january is. they still havent told us who comes with them to scotland because we are too many but i am pretty sure i am with. wow, i really cant believe that this happened. i mean it has always been my dream as i said so many times before. wow, just wow. however, on sunday we played twice againat the swedish guys national team u21 and of course we lost again, i mean guys are soo much better but we were playing such a good game and we can really be proud of our selves. at least i am proud of myself. my number is 13 just like the old number of my favorite hockey player, so cool. uh and i love my team. the girls are all so nice. i was scared since my swedish isnt good but we talked, english, german and swedish mixed. and like 5 girls in my team can speak german, so what do i want more? haha. i am so looking forward to the next time i see all of them in 3 weeks. yaaay.

hockey is my life.

"There are some people who dont have what it takes to play field hockey-the polite term for this people are-soccer players"

dancing around and waiting until my coach calls me so i can meet the rest of my team. we are going to lund tonight and i am reli looking forward to it. its gonna be so much fun but freaking cold cause we have to sleep in a freaking school. however tomorrow and sunday we have matches against the u21 guys from sweden and u21 guys from denmark, hopefully there are some sexy ones. haha uh yeah, i made it into the swedish national team u21, i am happier than everyone else, really it made my whole year! my dream has always been to be in the national team, so i am almost there. i am so excited for the weekend. well i will see how it is going to be, i am sure its going to be embarrasing since the guys are so much better than we are. haha the only thing i worry about is my swedish. i would love to talk to my team but it feels like my swedish is too bad so it would be embarrasing and speaking english to them just feels weird. its time to improve my swedish i guess. god, i wish i wouldnt be that stupid and just try talking but well i will see how that is going to be. I am still really really looking forward to it and i love getting to know knew people so such turnaments are the best opportunities. i will also see the people from last weekend again which is superduper cool haha.

harry potter

ellie and me are soon going to the movies and i am so excitied. we gonna watch haaaaaarry pooooootter 7 and everyone says it is really awesome! im looking forward to it. we just need broomsticks and big black heads and we are prepared to go :D i wonder if i will understand the movie, knowing me i am too stupid and i havent seen the 6th movie but well im still excited, yummy popcorn is waiting for us. i am going to write later if i liked it or not, but i am sure i will since i liked all the other movies. i am a freak haha.
uh i wish i could fly or conjure, you know how awesome that would be. just hot and nice guys, no players, a lot more field hockey clubs in sweden, no drama, school would be easy, i would just have awesome clothes. wow it would be so perfect. and if i wanna go somewhere were it is warm i could just fly there and get back in the evening or if i wanna party somewhere else.

happy birthday. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ´DEAR KARRELL
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUU! <3

you should be happy that i didnt sing for you in real life
since you know how horrible i sing! but just imagine someone singing it.

today is my loves birthday hihi. im really happy that i could make her smile with my little present.

you are really awesome and i am happy to have you in my life. doesnt matter if you are also 16 now, you will always be my little cute black person. i hope you have a great day even though you have to spent most of it in school. please dont change and stay the way you are.

As you said you can legally have sex now and drink, so we really have to go to germany and go into bars sweetie. aand we have to party here as well. :D

loads of birthday hugs and kisses

i love you.

sunday night.

 i love you sweeties.

i dont know why but i still havent written anything about my evening yesterday. it was the perfect ending after this great weekend. i went out for dinner with karrell and carolin. we were at haket eating really yummy things and talking about stuff. it was a lot of fun, i think we all three enjoyed it. but next time we have to take pictures girls:D later on we went to subway since karrell wanted to eat cookies and then to pistachia because we didnt want to go home and dont have a life! we met jeff and tomas and steal their candy even though we were already really full. they were throwing candy at us such a waaaste! well after a bit caro had to leave and karrell and me went really slowly walking to knutan while talking. seriously i cant say it enough, i really love talking to her. the guys were following us and complaining about how slow we walked. it was fun haha. <3

hockey. gothenborg. chill. :D

gothenborg <3

my weekend was more than awesome. finally i played matches against other clubs again.

i really though we would loose, but we won everything. i am so freakin happy.

it felt so good playing for the team and winning. i love it.

after the first successful day we spent a great afternoon at liseberg. it looked so beautiful.

there were candles and different kinds of christmas music everywhere.

in the night we chilled and talked a lot to the guys from lund and bjärred. fun fun fun.

it was really interesting talkin to them and what they said. but not more about that.

next day we won the second match against the "best" team. we played great.

wow it was successful. i love hockey and i love my team. :)

99 questions and answers about me.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. - here is no book around

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch? - A pillow
3. Before you started this survey, what were you doing? - I just got home from practise and ate nutella.

4. What is the last thing you watched on TV? -some german show

5. Without looking, guess what time it is- 20.15

6. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? - 20.15 that was easy since a movie starts now

7. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? - the television

8. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? - well i have been out since this morning, first school and then hockey practise

9. Did you dream last night? - yeah i did.

10. Do you remember your dreams? - most of the time i do remember my dreams

11. When did you last laugh? - in school during french
12. Do you remember why / at what? - i laughed with jesper about some french shit

13. What is on the walls of the room you are in? - pictures my mum and grandpa drew

14. Seen anything weird lately? - uh a lot of weird stuff

15. What do you think of this quiz? - it is better than being bored

16. What is the last film you saw? - i am watching a german movie called: "was das herz begehrt" right now

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?  - america or australia

18. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? - a really nice house somewhere where its warm next to the ocean with a hockey field in a really big garden.

19. Tell me something about you that most people don't know. - most people dont know about the guys in my life :P

20. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? - its impossible but give the african children water and food

21. Do you like to dance? - yeah.

22. Would you ever consider living abroad? - yeah i would, why not?

23. Who made the last incoming call on your phone? - my daddy haha

24. Last time you swam in a pool? - a few weeks ago with vicky <3

25. Type of music you like most? - r&b, pop etc

26. Type of music you dislike most? - hard rock etc

27. Are you listening to music right now? - no i am watchin tv

28. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? - i would not really change anything, i love my house

29. What was the last thing you bought? - candy with blankii

30. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? - yeah sounds like so much fun

31. Do you have a garden? - yup of course i have

32. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? - i wanna sleep longer

33. Who sent the last text message you received? - natalya :)

34. How many tattoos do you have? - none
35. If you don't have any, have you ever thought of getting one? - yes actually i have

36. What did you do for your last birthday? - i honestly cant remember, think school and then went out for dinner with my parents

37. Who was the last person you ate dinner with? - my mum

38. Is the glass half empty or half full? - half full

39. What's the farthest-away place you've been? - here from sweden - spain i guess

40.  If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be? - i always wanted to meet robbie willams

41. Do you believe in love at first sight? - no i dont

42. Think fast, what do you like right now? - my friends and field hockey

43. What time do you get up? - its different every day

44. Is there anything going on this weekend? - i am going to gothenborg to play hockey and there might be a party

45. How are you feeling right now? - a bit sick but i will be fine by tomorrow

46. What do you think about the most? - friends and hockey

47. If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people? - why would i wait to tell people?

48. Who would you tell first? - my best friends

49. What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema? - due date

50. Do you sing in the shower? - hihi thats my secret

51. What do you do most when you are bored? - eaaaaaat 

52. What did you want to be when you grew up? - business woman and national hockey player

53. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be? - something with business

54. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? - america

55. What is your favorite time of the day? - niiiighhhtt

56. Where did you grow up? - in germany

57. How far away from your birthplace do you live now? - i dont know exactly but far away

58. Are you a morning person or a night owl? - night owl for sure :D

59. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? - no i cant

60. What is your best childhood memory? - there are so many, i love my childhood.

61. Any new and exciting things that you would like to share? - there are always new and exciting things but no need to share it.

62. What is most important in life? - my best friends

63. What Inspires You? - my family, my friends and field hockey

64. Tell me about your best friend - i love her, she is always there for me and listens to me all the time. she is really pretty. i love hanging out with her, shes such a funny and awesome person. i just love her.

65. Favorite entertainer? - hahah two of my friends, they always make me laugh

66. Favorite song? - there are a lot i like

67. What were your life changing moments? - movement to sweden

68. What is the dumbest thing you have ever done? - i cant remember ;)

69. Have you used drugs? - of course, no just kidding, never

70. Do you like to shop? - yeahhh, which girl doesnt?

71. Best way to relax? - taking a hot bath and listening to chill music

72. Do you want children/more children? - yup but not now, later :)

73. Are you romantic? - yeah i am.

74. Favorite midnight snack? - choooocolate.

75. Do you exercise? - yeah otherwise i would be so fat haha

76.  Did you ever see your parents making love? - no and im happy about it

77. What is one food you will never give up?- meatballs haha

78. Favorite thing to spend money on? - food and booze

79. What is the weirdest thing about you? - I AM WEIRD :D

80. Best vacation? - summer 2009 -> sweden + italy with krissi

81. Worse vacation? - last christmas in portugal -> it was raining all the time

82. If you could do anything what would it be? - look into guys head, so that id know what they think

83. Ever had a massage? - yeaaa, i love getting massages

84. What sporting event/concert/entertainment would you buy tickets to regardless of price? - take that concert hih imy mum might buy some

85. Can't stand being around people who_________? - are screaming around just for attention

86. Crowds or small groups? - small groups,  more cosy

87. How old do you want to live to? - 100 would be so awesome

88. Loose your sight or hearing? - hearing

89. Ever had a crush on a member of the same sex? - nope.

90. Most annoying habit? - running after guys -.-

91. Sexiest parts of a member of the opposite sex? - stomach, ass, back

92. Major turn offs?- bad smelling guys

93. Bodypainting? - i would love to do that once

94. Piercings? - i want to have a navel piercing

95. Plastic surgery-would you/have you? - no never ever

96. Computer geek? - not at all ;p

97. Play an instrument? - no but i love listening to someone playing guitar

98. Been in a band? - no and never will be

99. Most embarrassing moment? - uhh too many to write :D

boring stuff? yeah pretty much..

i think this day is worth writing down. it happened quite a lot today actually. i woke up and took a long nice warm shower and ate breakfast. then i went to school and everyone just starred at me because i was wearing shorts, it was quite funny. everyone asked me if i was freazing and told me i was crazy, but hey i am normal :D anyways we were sitting in business, chilling and talking and suddenly a loud sound telling us that there is a fire someone in the building and we have to leave appeared, it was great. so we were waiting outside freazing our ass off, then we had to go into the aula listening to a guy talking about how we should behave. his english was hilarious, so the only thing we did was making fun of his english. after that we still had 30 min of business left but we didnt really do anything. lunch was niceee since we ate panncakes which tasted really good actually. afterwards handi and i had our tok presentation on abortion, it went really good. staffan really liked it so everything is fine. im actually proud of us. science was killing me today, as always but then all of a sudden there was a second fire alarm. god that saved my day. someone from 10th grade, if i remember right, hold a burning match right in front of an alarm thingy. so we just had science for like 10 min since he couldnt be bothered contuning the lesson.. the break was just eeepic. i had so much fun, really. :D i dont know, its hard to write what happened since it wont be as epic as it was. basically i took someones phone and he was trying to get it, so we were running around. i gave the phoen to someone else without him noticing it and yeah running around like superman was epic. just the whole situation was so random. feeling like a child in a way and i dont know what else to say, there is just way too much to say. oh yeah the banana has to be said, "i want your banana", "no you broke his banana", wow epic moment.. french was cosy hihi. pistachia and candy was waiting for karrell and me. it was fun talking to her about all the news, i love our talks. however, later on we went to an innebandy thing, which was quite entertaining. free food ftw. the last third was the funniest by far, haha. i had such an epic converstation with natalya and karrell. it made my day. i ate way too much but who cares.. uhh and i was told that i have fat legs and no ass, really nice haha. i got a ride home and now im sitting in front of the tv and laptop like a nerd :D well i am getting tired so i am about to go to bed, knowing me i wont sleep until like 1 hour or something. lets see what is going to happen in my dreams tonight, it has been really weird and confusing the last days, i have no clue why.

surprised? no, not really..

it feels like i keep on repeating myself when talking about drama but i find it hilarious how people create new drama day by day. drama for no reason but i am really not surprised. not that i care a lot but it gets annoying how people try to get so much attention with telling shit about others, pretending to feel like shit etc. most people blame their friends for their own problems or just make them feel like shit to make them selves feel better, it is really sad. i mean come on, deal with your own problems, really it doesnt help to blame your friends or anything. well there will be more drama and i guess it will get very interesting on friday but not more to this topic. i really got nothing more to say right now..

life can be unfair sometimes.

n i thought about the whole giving and getting thing. I mean i give people a lot more then i get back from them. doesnt matter if they are friends or my best friends i always do everything to make them happy, go always to them, always ask them if they want to meet up its never the other way around. i dont blame anyone, it might be my own fault, i dont know how but i really dont wanna blame anyone. i am just tired of always going up to people and ask if they wanna meet, sure it is nice for them, see that i really care about them and want it to work but think of me. i am the one who feels like an idiot then, because it feels they they dont care about me in the same way. it can be that i just get the whole situation wrong or maybe i just expect too much i dont know. I am always nice towards guys and all they do is fuck me over, every single guy..

"you will never know until you try."

listening to really good music and just thinking about life, yeah thats what i am doing right now and i enjoy it :P it is really not easy to be happy if everyone else around me is depressed. I dont know why everyone is like that, but i guess a lot of people just want to get attention. really, it annoyes me, not that i really care but i cannot fully ignore it. Seriously there is so much drama its unbelievable. people who try to make other people feel bad because they are depressed and dont want to see their friends happy or they just blame them. it is so freakin retarded. i dont get who you can blame your friends for your own problems, make them feel bad and shit. its your own business and not your friends'. be strong and deal with your own problems. sure your friends are there to help you but dont expect them to solve them for you. however, i will still be happy somehow and tonight i have practise, im really looking forward to it. i really cannot think about anything else, i guess i annoy some people with it but they have to live with that. it sounds so bitchy but hockey is such a big part in my life. for a lot of girls guys are the biggest part in their life; they talk about it all the time and nothing else.. right now hockey is basically my life, so obviously i talk about it a lot..but of course my friends are really important to me!

hockey 4 life.

happy happy happy, i think that would describe me the best right now im sitting in the car from gothenborg back to helsingborg. i had a really improtant hockey camp this weekend, since now they decide who was good enough for the national team u21. saturday we had around 5 hours practise, with a break in between. afterwards we went to the hotel, showered and ate. we wanted to go to one of the girls house and watch a movie but i felt like shit, so i stayed in the hotel. really, i felt like puking, my stomach and head hurt like hell. i was so scared that i wouldnt be able to play the next day, so i decided to sleep very early. i drank a hot chocolate before going to bed; probably that made me feel a lot better ;p im addicted to hot chocolate, i drink it like everyday hihi. after sleeping that early i felt better the next morning but still not really fit, not even after breakfast. as soon as i came to practise i felt fine again. hockey is the only thing that ALWAYS makes me happy. we had 3 hours practise and then a talk to our coaches. its went quite well, i had so much fun. wow i realized how much i missed playing hockey with a good team. i love love love hockey! what i love about it is that i can be myself. i dont need to put make up on. i dont need to look good because there is no one who jugdes me, everyone is focused on the sport. and i love the fact that it is a team sport, so i always get to know other people and i always learn something new.. we learn from each other. we accept each other doesnt matter how different we are. if i play hockey i forget everything around me, it is like another world for me.. anyways now they have to decide who is good enough and i alread now their desicion but its inofficial so i cant tell anyone if i actually made it or if i have to wait to next year.. i dont need to tell everyone because i dont need people to feel sorry for me in the case i didnt make it. however now i am on the way back as said before, my body hurts, especially my back but it was worth it. tonight im going to town and eat with my family and afterwards im meeting up with blacki. i think a good, look girl talk is needed. im really lokking forward to it. i love talking to this girl, it makes me feel a lot better and she always listens to me and tries to help me just as i do it too. i love her! dont have any problems right now, scool is going good, hockey makes me happy and i have awesome friends. what do i want more? nothing. i dont know why but im looking forward to next week.

i cannot live without music.

dancing around in my room and just being really really happy. yeah thats what i like. this song makes me day: turn the lights off- kato feat jon .. uhhhhh baby turn the lights off. me like a lot. singing along and enjoying my life. wow it feels incredible good. you should try it, just  forget about everything, all your problems and sing as loud as you can. it helps you so much and it make you happy, well at least me.

just some uninteresting shit.

i was walking down the road to my house, watching at the ocean and the skyline of demark. it is so cold outside but it was a great view. today school was alright, french with jesper and kriss was quite fun actually even though i am really bed at french. during lunch and tok i went to town with ellie. drinkin hot chocolate and talkin about stuff is always awesome, i enjoyed it and it was so much better then being in school. after school i went to town as usual. i ate a mc flurry magnum classic which really made my day.. now i am thinking of going to väla; i thought they had open yesterday but its tonight and most stors have 20 % rabatt. i cannot be bothered to move but i wanna buy some new shoes, cause carolin broke mine hihi. great and funny memory though. and i just ate a brezel from "das backhaus" and had to think of her.

“There's no excuse to be bored. Sad, yes. Angry, yes. Depressed, yes. Crazy, yes. But there's no excuse for boredom, ever.”

I am so bored, i have been looking through the most random things ever today. it way to cold to just go to the beach, sit there and think of everything, so i have to do something, but i am getting bored of just sitting here being bored and doing nothing. I thought väla would change my boredom but when we got there it was closed, no sale thingy, so we had to drive back, wow it was so pointless, still better than being on facebook all the time though. tomorrow is going to be boring as hell in school and i really cannot be bothered going. the only thing i am looking forward to is french and town after school with jeppie. the weekend is coming closer and closer, i really cannot wait. i love hockey, it makes me so happy.
i just wanna dance around in underwear now, dont ask me why. it just feels so nice if nobody can see me and i can just be myself. nobody jugdes the way i dance and the way my body looks like .. "if you judge people, you have no time to love them." i think people judge other people too fast by their behavior without thinking why this person behavios in this way. to be honest i did the same since my parents taught me a lot when i grew up. i know how to behave towards other teenagers, parents and teachers, it is so normal to say "thanks" and "bye" but some people never learnt that so they dont know what to say and do.. now i know that it was a wrong thing to do; it was just too normal for me because of the way i grew up.
i try to see the potential in every person and not the bad part. of course everyone has a negative side, everyone did something bad, doesnt matter if it has something to do with girls, guys, school or something else. i realized that every single person is beautiful just in completely different ways, think of it, if  you see someone you might not like that much. think about their potential and i am sure you will find something. i can tell you that i did it and it was amazing how i actually found something positive and awesome in every person.
well now that i got my life kinda sorted out, i do my best to help my friends. but its not always easy, really. it seems like everyone has so many problems and its impossible to solve them.. its a lot to take but i want them to feel better cause i really cant see my friends sad, it makes me sad to. but whats up with everyone? i dont understand it. sure some people really have problems but i think some just want a lot of attention.. well hopefully everything will work out. :)

"personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open."

it feels like some people do not want to see me happy or something. they try to keep me down, want drama to be in my life, want to see me sad with my problems or i dont know. i hate how people keep on creating drama for no reason. my school is full of drama, it is horrible and i get very tired of how fake people are but you know what, i will be happy no matter what. life is just sweet right now.
today math was epic. emil, nati and me joked around so much and were just kinda immature, but i mean everyone has those moments sometimes. it made my day. believe it or not, math lesson actually made my day, well at least the hours i spent in school. we laughed a lot, it was crazy. i guessed we annoyed everyone else but it has to be like that. haha
after school i went to espresso house with my dearest lovi. we were drinkin hot drinks and eating yummy cookies and muffins and of course talked a lot. there is so much going on, its unbelieveable but very interesting. i am just waiting for the next big drama to happen..
now i am sitting at home, watching tv, talking to some friends and being all bored and cold. i am thinking of going to väla tonight since it is open until 11 and a lot of things are for sale, but i will see if i can be bothered to move. wow i sound lazy. it is just to cold outside.
i cant wait until it is winter though. i am waiting for snow and christmas time. i love christmas time so much. everything is so calmed and it seems like it is the only time when everyone likes each other and nobody actually talks shit.

you are way prettier when you smile.

finally my wifyyy came back from china. i am so ahppy that she is back. she made me so happy again and really made my day. all of a sudden my depression is gone and i feel good like i havent in a longer time. wow she was only away for a bit more then a week but i missed her so much! i dont know why but today i realised how great life can be. i had so much fun in school with everyone, was laughing a lot. i really enjoyed it and im looking forward to tomorrow. and i like myself so much more when i am happy, obviously! right now, i just see the positive things in life. it make me happy to think about my great friends, all the awesome time i have spent with them and i am so looking forward to the weekend.. its funny, i realised how many people i talked to today, when i was happy compared to the times when i was depressed. its truely amazing. the next time is going to be great, i dont know why but my feeling says that. everything works out for me, now i know who my real friends are and i have lots of fun with them. i am talking to my best guy friend from germany right now, which makes me happy. hockey is so much fun, practise was great and at the next weekend i am going to play a lot of hockey and this weekend will finally decide if i can get into the national team or not. school is surprisingly going quite good, im doing fine in every subject except science, but tthat will work sooner or later.. i dont care about guys & love & all of this shit, so life is all good.

i cant take it anymore.

wow i have not felt like that in a longer time. the past days i just ate and ate and ate without stoping, kinda as a therapie or something. always when something makes me sad i eat, i hate this habit. i really do hate it. i feel fat. i know i am not fat but i feel i have some kilos too much. i could be skinnier and i want to but it seems like i cant, because i have no fuckin discipline. to be happy i have to loose more thn just a kilo but i dont know how. i try not to eat candy and all this unhealthy stuff but it doesnt work. i just wanna puke, puke everything out, i know it sounds disgusting but i want everything out of my stomache. my stomache hurts but i am still hungry so i still need to eat.. shitty things keep on happening and make me depressed, so i eat a lot. i hate it. i hate it. i fuckin hate it! i am going to try not to eat anything but fruits the next days, it is sick i guess but there is no other way right now. i am disgussed of myself. nobody understands me, everyone just thinks i am crazy but i do feel fat. overloaded with food but it feels like i just cant eat less. its weird. i am weird. i dont get it. when i am not with you and i am not happy i eat. i never ate when i was with you, never, just because i was happy. but thats over.. however, i am going to practise now and run a lot, to feel better about myself. but also because i love this sport. its like a drug for me. i am totally different when i play field hockey, it really makes me happy!

drama.

my weekend was surprisingly good.. well even tho we were so excited on friday we failed. we were waiting one hour to get into retro, and then they told us it costs money so we didnt go. we tried to find bars but it was impossible. so we went back to sweden and sat at mcd for a while. in the middle of the night, freja, handi, max and me went to my places. i was not in a good mood, not really depressed but something was wrong with me. i felt so lost, so alone, so unloved.. i dont know. right now my life is kinda messed up. i just wanted to sleep and forget everything what i heard during this night. well when we got at my place, we talked. we talked about everything. it was fun. we played "i have never.." and made max drink a lot :P on saturday almost everyone went to a party and the ones who were not invited like me went to town. it was so nice of this person but i dont even care anymore. shes a bitch and a fake friend. she talked so much shit about me and i think its kinda funny how so many peopel coem up to me and tell me what this person says about me. well i seriously had so much fun during this night. i met up with karrell, caro, sara and nik, we went to pistachia. we laughed a lot and i think we all enjoyed it. afterwards karrell went to my house and we had some deep girl talks. this girl is truely amazing! she listened to me a lot and it felt good. today i went to sofiero with my family.. it was dark and cold but there were candles on the way and i was drinkin hot chocolate, it was very very cosy. i loved it but it really made me want to have a boyfriend. i feel so alone even though my friends are always there for me. i think i just need someone on my side. i think i would feel a lot better and would get a lot mroe self-confident. i seriously have no self-confidence. someone once said im cool from the outside but im totally different from the inside. i mean everyone think im so strong and can handle everything, but i cant. im weak..and i fuckin hate it. something need to change in my life but i cant force it, it just needs time.

questions over questions.

why do i feel that bad or weird when i see you not with you & why do i feel so great when i am with you, just with you and nobody else? it is so weird.. why do i get so jealous for no reason and if i do exactly the same as you do with other guys? why does it feel so different when i am around you? i dont wanna feel like this cause i am just going to get hurt.. just as it happened before. i hate being confused like that and not knowing what to do, but i guess that is nothing new. i keep fuckin things up and i hate myself for it. why do you have to be in my life right now? and especially: why do i care so fuckin much about it when i really shouldnt? i dont wanna be depressed but when i hear you talking about how you like those different girls and how you had sex with them its just weird. i cant think of another word.. i dont get how guys are so "cold", it is hard to explain. it seems like they can forget about someone so easily and just move on. i feel stupid not being able to move on about a fuckin guy, i hate myself for that too. i make my life very hard and not enjoyable for myself since i cant get over people. at least not easily.. all the things that happened in the past come back and everything just happens again, if that makes sence. in such situations i would love to be a guy, not showing any feelings and being totally cool with what happens around me and even not caring what the person does that i like. life could be so much better but i make it hard for myself as i said before. i try my best not to care at all, not to show feelings, not to get pissed, not to beg for things, not to ask questions etc but i guess i fail at most of these things.. i am just waiting to get hurt and fucked over again!

if you would know..

i had a great day today, first talking to my bestest friend, handi, about everything. we had a lot of fun talking especially about my last party but im not going to say more about it :P then we met up with freja and also talked. wow we laughed a lot, we laughed at how pathetic and how fake people are. it is unbelievable.. funny how people have parties and just invite their clostest friends, prefere inviting their ex but not the friends who helped them trough the hard time after they broke up. it is way to funny. and if you would now HAHA.. there are not many people i really dont like but you are one of them! however, nothing more about it because i really cannot be bothered writing that much now. well after that i had a nice time at home and now i am getting ready with handi and freja to go to retro. i am so looking forward to it!

lalala.

i havent really written anything the past few days, i dont know why. i guess i just didnt have the time for it. monday i was just cleaning the house. tuesday i met my lovely friend vicky, did my english with her and really enjoyed swimming with her. it was great. we watched paranormal activity which was really scary but fun because we got so easily scared.. wednesday i went fika with lovi and it just felt so good talking to her about everything. today i went to the movies with gaya, we watched due date. dude, it is sucha funny movie. we laughed so much haha. so nothing really interesting happened.
now everyone is depressed, people talking about "fake bitches", other people are pissed. i really dont know whats going on anymore and i stop caring. after my party i realized how many are disrespectful as i said before but especially with a few i cant be bothered anymore.. i hate how people cant take the truth but say how they hate people who are fake and talking shit towards them. so if im honest i get shit and they get bitchy. its stupid but whatever.. i will just stick to my real friends. i prefere just havin a few friends than having ton of friends, but all of them or at least most of them are fake..

wow.

i dont know where to start. i am just really really pissed. and i have never been in such a bad mood, its unbelievable. i was so excited for my party yesterday, i was just talkin about it all the time and when it was actually happening i was everything else than happy.. i was completely pissed and really couldnt enjoy the evening. it was cute how my "real" friends tried to make me happy and have fun while they were taking care of everything, i appreciate it a lot but i am so disappointed in all the other people. most people dont know when they have to stop drinking whichc really pisses me off, i mean sure it happens to everyone but not at every single party.
actually th party started out nice, just a few girl and one guy were there and we were playing drinkin games. we laughed enough and no one got drunk. we had our fun. after everyone got there it started getting annoying since people came drunk and were screaming all the time. they prefered sitting outside all night and smoke than dancing which is honestly just sad.
well i am happy that especially two friends helped me to put away all the puke and stuff. so that i didnt have to do it alone.. dude it was disgusting. i think so many people have never puke before. we put them to bed and just talked a bit. but it was not possible to chill for long since they kept on puking.
nobody could talk to me anymore due to the fact that i told them to shut up and leave me and i have never been like this before so around four i just went to bed since i had no energy. i tried to sleep but it was fuckin impossible because people wont just the fuck up. i was so angry like never before. i told them so many times but they didnt listen. they just dont have any fuckin respect. its unbelievable and for me those people are "dead", meaning i dont give a fuck about them anymore!
i hate how people just left without even saying goodbye and thank you. i mean come one how fuckin hard is it to say thank you? i organzied a party and saved their halloween, they did a lot of shit, kinda destroyed a table and shit and obviously i was the one who cleaned and took care of it. i mean sure it is sort of my job as the host of the party, but it seems that it is so self-evident for them they i do it, so natrual that they dont even have to say thank you. i think it is just low of these people and i wont invited them again!
well in the end i can just they i am really disappointed in a lot of people and i wont have another party. i wanted to have a birthday party but no thank you i wont at least not in my house, maybe a rent something but im not sure yet.