i cant take it anymore.

wow i have not felt like that in a longer time. the past days i just ate and ate and ate without stoping, kinda as a therapie or something. always when something makes me sad i eat, i hate this habit. i really do hate it. i feel fat. i know i am not fat but i feel i have some kilos too much. i could be skinnier and i want to but it seems like i cant, because i have no fuckin discipline. to be happy i have to loose more thn just a kilo but i dont know how. i try not to eat candy and all this unhealthy stuff but it doesnt work. i just wanna puke, puke everything out, i know it sounds disgusting but i want everything out of my stomache. my stomache hurts but i am still hungry so i still need to eat.. shitty things keep on happening and make me depressed, so i eat a lot. i hate it. i hate it. i fuckin hate it! i am going to try not to eat anything but fruits the next days, it is sick i guess but there is no other way right now. i am disgussed of myself. nobody understands me, everyone just thinks i am crazy but i do feel fat. overloaded with food but it feels like i just cant eat less. its weird. i am weird. i dont get it. when i am not with you and i am not happy i eat. i never ate when i was with you, never, just because i was happy. but thats over.. however, i am going to practise now and run a lot, to feel better about myself. but also because i love this sport. its like a drug for me. i am totally different when i play field hockey, it really makes me happy!