i just dont know.

i believed i am a good friend. i am always there for my friends, always listen to them and they know they can come to me whenever they need me.. they can call me in the middle of the night, they can sleep at my place if they need and so on.. obviously i am not perfect, nobody is and everyone makes mistakes. i think making mistakes is important for life because we all learn from them. i honestly do not regret anything in my life but sometimes i still wish i could decide and live through some things/situations again.. i have more secrets than everyone thinks i do  and almost nobody knows about it. i guess people dont know me as good as they think they do. it hurts to see "friends" and the feeling that i did something wrong to those friends, that i did something behind their back what they dont know and never find out. i am mad at myself for doing this even though i enjoyed this time. now i hate myself for it.. i am probably one of the most honest people that my friends will ever have, but some people just cannot take the truth and i really dont know how the whole thing could happen..i am sorry. i hate it if people say "it just happened", for me its not an explanation for things and it pisses me off to hear it but i have nothing better to say than it really just happened. i cannot really remember how it happened. i am just sorry. but then again i am not fuckin perfect and i will never be.. i am actually sitting here with tears in my eyes and dont know what to do anymore. sure secrets are awesome to have, at least i think so but i have way to many which make my life really not easier. i have to me even more honest with myself and stop living with that many secrets. i am scared to get hurt but that just the way it is and i just caanot take it any longer. i mean being with people for whom i have secrets, it doesnt feel right anymore. it just gets too much..