don't know what to say anymore..

i cannot do this anymore, since friday im laying in bed every evening just crying. i do not know me like this, i have never felt so bad in my life. it feels like im loosing so many people right now. i thought i would kept at least my good friends in germany but no i didnt, i have 1-3 good friends left and thats it, the others do not give a fuck about me anymore.. they tell me that i have changed so much, but is it really right to give me shit for doing somethigng with guys just cause i havent done that i germany. telling me they cannot kept contact cause they just do not know what to say, they do not know how to begin since there is so much to tell.. also here in sweden sometimes it just feels like i loose more and more friends and i dont know why. maybe it is just me who thinks that and im just stupid, i dont know. it seems like i just expect too much from my friends, i know it is hard to listen to all my problems all the time and im really trying hard to deal with them on my own but sometimes there is just no other way than telling people. i know it can get very annoying but why do they not tell me? why can they not be honest with me? i dont get it..
i have so much on my mind right now.. i dont know why it knocked me down so much when i heard of what happened to you. i did not really know you, but i still met you and played with you and your siblings. i had you in my arms and you smiled at me.. you were still in my life at some point. then they tell me what happened.. its one year ago and i can still not believe it. they just told me a few weeks ago.. i can not see a pool without thinking what happened to you. the whole situation how it happened, i have to imagine it even though i dont want to.. im still shocked. i can never see you again, its unbelieveable! you were so young and had your whole life before you.. R.I.P.
i am not fuckin perfect and i never said i was.. i dont get why you always tell me that im not perfect etc.. i KNOW im not.. my life is shitty right now, i have made so many mistakes, i get so much shit for a lot of stuff that i do.. i am not perfect, nobody is and i dont want to be perfect. i make mistakes as i said before but i learn from them, i really do believe me or not. you just dont understand why i act that why because you do not know how i feel, seems like nobody really does except for some people..