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okay im just writing everything here since i dont know who to talk to anymore. i cant handle it anymore, i thought everything was perfect, i mean i was so damn happy, especially because of hockey and my friends. hockey is still awesome, last weekend i went up to gothenborg to train with the national team and it was loads of fun. i love my team, the girls are all so kind and always there for me. we are like a little family and since most of them can speak german it makes me feel a lot better. of course i am always happy for havin my friends, they are truely amazing, but during the last time its just weird. i dont feel as accepted anymore, and it also feels like some of my friends keep on letting me hanging. it could be that its just me who thinks. it hurts to see how people forget about you, people that you know since your little or very good friends, kinda lose their interest in you.i get in more and more fights with friends but i dont know what i did wrote. the feeling of losing friends really hurts, but it happened to me so many times lately. and i gave myself so much shit for it. i know i shouldnt but i did. i thought about it so many times, and i have had a big headache since two weeks. its horrible. and my past is a bitch -.- i cant get over it, its so hard. i have tried it for sucha long time but it just doesnt more. i think i need some new people in my life and i need to get rid of others but its so hard. i hate it.. but there is nothing to do fo rme i guess, i cant more then try. i know i will fail it anyways. thinkin of my past all the time makes sad and just very confused. i cant talk to anyone about it because i would just annoy them big time. i dont know what to do anymore. i am a retard for not letting my past be my past, its hard to explain what i mean. my stupid headache doesnt stop -.- but well i guess i just gotta live with that. handle it on my own..somehow. but i dont understand myself anymore, why does my past bother me so much? my cant it be a finished chapter in my life, a chapter that i cant open anymore, one that isnt forgotten but one that i dont care anymore, like just another part of my life..